grail

Not Specified
from Canada

  • Activity

    • todays

      9 years ago

      grail

      Beware of new virus outbreaks on computers everywhere, such as...

      Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

      AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

      MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

      Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by c:>

      Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro organism."

      Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole dang thing quits.

      Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

      Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.

      Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

      New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

      Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

      Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

      Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

      Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

      Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

      Airline virus: You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.

      Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.

      Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

      Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self distructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

      Ollie North virus: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

      Nike virus: Just does it.

      Sears virus: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

      Jimmy Hoffa virus: Your programs can never be found again.

      Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

      Imelda Marcos virus: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

      Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

      Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

      George Bush virus: It starts by boldly stating "Read my docs...No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus.

      LAPD. virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defence."

      Oral Roberts virus: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.

    • todays

      9 years ago

      grail

      Word Definitions

      Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

      Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

      Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

      Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

      Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

      Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

      Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

      Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

      Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

      Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that You actually look forward to the trip.

      Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

      Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

      Father : A banker provided by nature.

      Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

      Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

      Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

      Opportunist : A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

      Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says midway "See I am not injured yet."

      Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

      Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

      Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

      Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.

      Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

    • todays (classic)

      9 years ago

      grail

      These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...

      1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

      2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

      3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

      4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

      5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

      6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).

      7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

      8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

      9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

      10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

      11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

      12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

      13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

      14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

      15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

      16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

      17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

      18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

      19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

    • todays

      9 years ago

      grail

      When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

      "I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

      Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

    • todays (classic)

      9 years ago

      grail

      And your cry baby whiny assed opinion would be.....?

      Do I look like a fucking people person?

      This isn't an office, it's hell with fluorescent lighting.

      I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

      I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

      Sarcasm is just one of the services we offer.

      If I throw a stick will you leave??

      YOU!.... Off my planet!

      If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet I'll put shoes on my cats.

      Does your train of thought have a caboose?

      The bible was written by the same people who said the earth was flat.

      Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

      Errors have been made, others will be blamed.

      Ohhh, let me turn on the part of my brain that gives a damn.

      A hard on doesn't count as personal growth.

      Whatever look you were going for, you missed.

      Well, this day was a total waste of make-up .

      See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

      Are these your eyeballs, I found them in my cleavage.

      I'm not your type, I'm not inflatable.

      I have a computer, a vibrator and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

      Not all men are annoying, some are dead.

      Did I mention that kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

      It's not the size that coun... no wait, it's the size!

      A woman's favorite position is CEO

      I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

      A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.

      Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

      I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

      Okay, Okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!

      Too many freaks not enough circuses.

      Macho law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

      Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

      Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.

      I plead contemporary insanity.

      And which dwarf are you?

      How do I set the laser printer to stun?

    • todays (classic)

      9 years ago

      grail

      When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...

      IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
      AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

      IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
      AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

      IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.
      AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

      IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
      AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

      IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
      AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

      IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
      AT WORK........You have to share.

      IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
      AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

      IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
      AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

      IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
      AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

      IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
      AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.

      IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
      AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.

    • todays (classic)

      9 years ago

      grail

      Good girls say "thanks for a wonderful dinner"...
      Bad girls say, "what's for breakfast?"

      Good girls never go after another girl's man...
      Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

      Good girls wear white cotton panties...
      Bad girls don't wear any.

      Good girls wax their floors...
      Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

      Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot...
      Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

      Good girls make chicken for dinner...
      Bad girls make reservations.

      Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies...
      Bad girls know they could do better.

      Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss...
      Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich.

      Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls...
      Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.

      Good girls love Italian food...
      Bad girls love Italian waiters.

    • todays

      9 years ago

      grail



      If there is no self,
      whose arthritis is this?

      Be here now.
      Be someplace else later.
      Is that so complicated?

      Drink tea and nourish life.
      With the first sip... joy.
      With the second... satisfaction.
      With the third, peace.
      With the fourth, a danish.

      Wherever you go, there you are.
      Your luggage is another story.

      Accept misfortune as a blessing.
      Do not wish for perfect health
      or a life without problems.
      What would you talk about?

      The journey of a thousand miles
      begins with a single "oy."

      There is no escaping karma.
      In a previous life, you never called,
      you never wrote, you never visited.
      And whose fault was that?

      Zen is not easy.
      It takes effort to attain nothingness.
      And then what do you have?
      Bupkes.

      The Tao does not speak.
      The Tao does not blame.
      The Tao does not take sides.
      The Tao has no expectations.
      The Tao demands nothing of others.
      The Tao is not Jewish.

      Breathe in. Breathe out.
      Breathe in. Breathe out.
      Forget this and attaining Enlightenment
      will be the least of your problems.

      Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
      Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
      And sit up straight. You'll never meet the
      Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

      Be patient and achieve all things.
      Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

      To Find the Buddha, look within.
      Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
      Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
      Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
      You might want to see a specialist.

      To practice Zen and the art of Jewish
      motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
      get rid of the motorcycle.
      What were you thinking?

      Be aware of your body.
      Be aware of your perceptions.
      Keep in mind that not every physical
      sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

      The Torah says, "Love thy neighbor as thyself."
      The Buddha says there is no "self."
      So, maybe you are off the hook.

      The Buddha taught that one should practice loving
      kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill
      you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

      Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain,
      though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away,
      yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have
      attained full Enlightenment.
      But, first, a little nosh

    • todays

      9 years ago

      grail

      While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a
      walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,"
      one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."
      "Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?" They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me." The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

    • todays

      9 years ago

      grail

      Bored in a party? Here a list of what you can do:

      Karate chop everywhere and everything. Yell really, really loud. A few sudden kicks would be worthwhile as well.

      Wear wool or feathers and sneeze all night. "The doctor says I'm not allergic to anything except sheep and birds..."

      If someone says the word no to you, say, "How dare you turn down the prince / princess of Ugranialo!"

      Burst into the room an hour late, sopping wet and screaming, "I've done it! I've found Atlantis!"

      Pick out the oldest women at the party, run up to her, and exclaim, "Grandmother! it's me, Anastasia!"

      If it is a summer party in the evening, break into a duet with another guest: "Summer nights". Persuade the host to sing "You're the one that I want" with you.

      Come in saying, the guy outside in the lab coat is looking for (insert name of host).

      How to entertain yourself when stuck in a boring party:

      Speak in a strange foreign accent. when someone asks where you are from, name a country only you can pronounce.

      Use a different accent every time you talk to someone new.

      When getting food, pile everything onto your plate in heaping servings - make sure to use your hands!

      Ask the host, "Who threw this cheesy party, anyway?"

      Turn cartwheels across the floor. If you can turn a back flip, all the better!

      Bring a novel and curl up in a corner with it.

      Cough all over guests, then exclaim, "Doctor says a few more years and I'll be cured..."

      Hang your head and whisper one-word answers to questions.

      Play a lullaby on a kazoo during a speech (singing a lullaby works okay, too)

      If there is music, mix up your dancing: break dance to classical, symphony conductor hand waves to techno music.

  • Comments (2296)

    • ADIORIDER101

      13 years ago

      i found this person that makes custom laghtsabers but i lost the name i want the one in the left hand of my exar kun pic

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      thank you ^_^

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      I want a snake, too!! =D

      but... right now I want something fuzzy that I can pet and it will lick and comfort me... u.u

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      where do you buy that? :o

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      yay you were my 700th mod i gave out! lol

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      grail, me and you need some rewards. Don't you think?

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      Hey poison your roomate...

      ...

      it only LOOKS like poison/vomit..

      it actually tastes rather good. ^_^

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      I want it over now... ;_;

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      yeeees. >.>

      it's all a test... *insert manical laughter*

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      we're females.

      some of the girls have boys over frequently, though... they tend not to put it down. >.<

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      but it's fun! =D

      painful... but fun! ^_^

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      I did... I'm looking (and poking) it now. ^_^

      ... :/

      poking it hurts.

      *pokes it some more* >.<

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      ...

      *never... wants to go NEAR that bar* o.o

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      waaahhoooo

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      VICTORY!

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      geez, these two quick goals they let up, freakin kill me.

      end of the 2nd 3-2, still have to kill of the penalty. Marty made a nice save.

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      Games back on, bbl

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      yes they did!!!

      had a powerplay for like half the first period, lol !

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      WAAHHOO!!

      this 1 pm friday game through me off!@ another one tm

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      I see that you haven't as well. XP

    • FatherSarge

      13 years ago

      You've actually seen Starship troopers: Rougenecks, Grail?
      I don't know of anyone else who has other then me.
      Internet is funny like that

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      well... that is a good point. Thanks :)

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      Thanks... but I'm a loser for not being able to help. >.<

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      lol. XP

      You had to sign up for a credit card thing... so I just bought it regular because I didn't want my rates to go up. :/

    • TheGreekMind

      13 years ago

      Hello

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      smiley7.gifsmiley11.gif

      ...

      smiley10.gif

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      silly. XP

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      smiley0.gif

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      thanks. :)

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      really bored tonight eh?

      HY-PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRR!! smiley0.gifsmiley0.gifsmiley0.gifsmiley0.gif

      *runs in circles*

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      great...

      ^ referring to my being hyper.

      You know you like it. smiley6.gif

    • AaronKenobi

      13 years ago

      sweet pics man

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      the last time I did one of these it started a 1400+ comment in a jouranl...

      exactly!! maybe it'll happen again! smiley0.gif

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      I have many problems. ^___^

      Most of them seem to be mental. XP

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      bed if you have someone warm to cuddle up too...

      I don't otherwise I would... T_T

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      good luck learning that!!

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      moo?

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      I'm a pinecone! ^.^

    • blaze1221

      13 years ago

      Please vote for me here spread the word

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      Family_Guy-401-North_By_North_Quahog08.3

      Grail, remind you of someone?

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      w0ot w0ot, well thank you sir


      sad to say, Devils lost tonight smiley3.gif

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      lol that's awesome

      like what i did w/ the profile?

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      There really is that sign?

      that's awesome!!

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      funny_vancouver.jpg

      lol I can't wait to come here

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      lucky. smiley2.gif

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      fucked, Jagr just scored

      what's up with the devils letting up 2 quick goals?

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      crap, Rangers just got a PP goal...

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      hahah

      Grant Marshall just got into a fight cause one of the Rangers knocked into Clemenson after the play.

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      NICEE!!!

      Jamie Langenbruner just got a short handed goal!!!!! WAAHHOOO!!!

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      Devils game just started!!!


      Marty is still out...

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