grail

Not Specified
from Canada

  • Activity

    • todays

      9 years ago

      grail

      Brad had a blind date with Jen for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself attracted to her more and more. After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, do you object to making love?"

      "That's something I have never done before," Jen replied.

      "Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Brad was amazed.

      "No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"

    • todays

      9 years ago

      grail

      After dating a young lady for some time a young man decides it is time to marry her.

      He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the day comes.
      On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. However the pastor has a plan.

      The service proceeds as planned the vows are exchanged etc. Now it is time for the groom to kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid. He pulls the young man aside and asks him. Can you please pay me?

      Not wanting to create a seen the young man asked. How much do I owe you?

      The pastor thinks quickly and replies, pay me according to your wife's beauty.

      The young man discretely pulled out five dollars and gave it to the pastor.

      Although annoyed by this, the pastor continues the ceremony and says; you may now kiss the bride. At this point the veil is lifted from the brides face to allow the groom to kiss her. As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and promptly hands the groom back four dollars and fifty cents.

    • todays

      9 years ago

      grail

      35 Fun Things to do When Driving

      1. Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.

      2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.

      3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.

      4. Two words: Chicken suit.

      5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

      6. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.

      7. Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot.

      8. Stop at the green lights.

      9. Go at the red ones.

      10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

      11. Eat food that requires silverware.

      12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.

      13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.

      14. Honk frequently without motivation.

      15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture.

      16. At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon.

      17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.

      18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.

      19. Restart your car at every stop light.

      20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

      21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.

      22. Keep at least five cats in the car.

      23. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.

      24. If an firetruck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!

      25. Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.

      26. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

      27. Stop and collect roadkill.

      28. Stop and pray for roadkill.

      29. Stop and cook roadkill. (If in Tennessee.)

      30. Throw Spam. Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.

      31. Get in the fast lane and gradually... slow... down... to...a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.

      32. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.

      33. Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're in. When they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, "Oh! Wrong state!"

      34. Sing without having the radio on.

      35. At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you, then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off...

    • Brakus

      9 years ago

      grail

      One of my first friends on this site was Brakus aka Chris, Chris has been working very hard to make his dreams come true and today one of them has, please go here to show your support for a very talented guy.

    • todays

      9 years ago

      grail

      Ways to Identify an Idiot


      (1) He spends twenty minutes looking at an orange juice box because it said, "concentrate".

      (2) He puts lipstick on the forehead because he wanted to makeup his mind.

      (3) He gets stabbed in a shoot-out.

      (4) He sends a fax with a stamp on it.

      (5) He tries to drown a fish.

      (6) If you gave them a penny for their intelligence, you'd get change.

      (7) He trips over a cordless phone.

      (8) He takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.

      (9) At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here", he puts "Sagittarius".

      (10) He takes 2 hours to watch "60 minutes".

      (11) He invents a solar powered flashlight.

      (12) He heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, so he moves.

      (13) He misses the No. 14 Bus, and takes the 7 twice instead.

      (14) He takes you to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport left", and he turned around and went home.

      (15) He got locked in a furniture shop but sleeps on the floor.

      (16) He spends time reading thru the above 15 points and analyses if he is an idiot!!!

    • todays

      9 years ago

      grail

      You Know You Overdid Thanksgiving When....

      Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy.

      The "Gravy Boat" your wife set out was a real 12' boat!

      You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail.

      Friday you set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog.

      Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.

      A guest quotes a Biblical passage from "The Feeding of the 5000."

      That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn.

      Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.

      You consider gluttony your patriotic duty.

      Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this.

    • todays (happy post turkey day)

      9 years ago

      grail

      A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"
      They all asked the farmer how it tasted.
      "I don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

    • todays

      9 years ago

      grail

      Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

      "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door on his way the office.

      At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opens the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil-wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrive.

      Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman shouldn’t wait for her husband to come home.

      "First the flowers, then the candy, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "i've never spent a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my whole life!'

    • todays (thanks again DemonAkasha)

      9 years ago

      grail

      A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

      A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

      Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

      The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

      "My wife's."


      "What happened to her?"

      The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

      He inquired further, "But, who is in the second hearse?"

      The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

      A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

      "Can I borrow the dog?"

      "Get in line."

      _________________________________________________

      A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
      "I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."
      "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
      "Thirty-four," she replied

    • todays (thanks DemonAkasha)

      9 years ago

      grail

      After a southern gent had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece uh ass?"


      "Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

      When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"


      "Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did fur me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from in Tennessee we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

      _______________________________________________________________

      The Divorced Barbie Doll

      One day a father gets out of work and on
      his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his
      daughter's birthday.He pulls over to a Toy Shop and
      asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those
      Barbie's in the display window?'The salesperson
      answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?We have: Work Out
      Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie
      for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for
      $19.95,Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie
      for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

      The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced
      Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'The annoyed
      salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
      'Sir...,Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's
      House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer,
      one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with
      Ken's balls.

  • Comments (2296)

    • solicemoon FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      13 years ago

      Hey i am trying to get pics into my profile. How would i do that?

    • clarence034

      13 years ago

      I like pie. Key Lime is the best.

      When the mothership arrives, and my people take over, there will be changes. Hopefully, for the better.

      Sincerely,

      Clarence034

    • Dopp ROLL TIDE

      13 years ago

      I knew you'd like the pic... I even thought about writing that uder the picture, you and your blonde jokes and all.

    • usetheforce

      13 years ago

      hey u wanna be friends im looking for friends...

    • GreyFox389

      13 years ago

      Isn't it because of the reflections of the ocean?

    • SuperGenius FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      13 years ago

      He gave me two as well.

    • AsianKungFu

      13 years ago

      tn_02-023.gif
      A raccoon for you

    • LtKaraThrace

      13 years ago

      He's gone for 3 long months

    • grail

      13 years ago

      I got 2 awards from the Lord Of Photoshop, I would like to thank the Academy, my loyal Fans...

    • DarthMario95

      13 years ago

      DarthMarioaward3copy.jpg

    • DarthMario95

      13 years ago

      DarthMarioawardreal5copy.jpg

    • RisenAngel

      13 years ago

      wow

      (just imitating your last 2 journal comments man! :P)

    • grail

      13 years ago

      Bender: Bite My Shiny Metal Ass!

    • MJOLNIRarmor

      13 years ago

      Bite My Shiny? Whats that mean?

    • Mich

      13 years ago

      mmmmmmmmmmmmmm, Evil Star Wars person

    • bewencher

      13 years ago

      Little do we all know, being on muellertime's "list" means that we're on his hit list and not because we're cool. We'll all die before the end of the weekend! AHHHH!

    • muellertime

      13 years ago

      The Game of Tag
      If I tagged you... HA! You now have to follow the rules of the game:

      -You cannot tag someone who tagged you
      -You should tag at least 5 other people (those with 4 or less will be punished by flogging or any other way I can think of)
      -Random tagging is accepted
      -All tagging should be done in the personal comments section on the homepage of the tag-ee
      -Do not eat a live chicken
      -This game is only fun if people participate
      -The goal is for everyone on the site to get tagged EVENTUALLY
      -If you decide to participate, post the rules in your journal or link them to this journal
      -I have a space monkey in my pics section
      -There is no violence until I change the game to capture the flag
      -When capture the flag breaks out, the teams will cluck like chickens until I am satisfied (....???)

    • Lord_Tycho

      13 years ago

      cool i like painball too!tippmancustom.jpg

    • grail

      13 years ago

      My shiny is tasty!

    • Snape

      13 years ago

      Bite your shiny? Does your shiny taste good?

    • Shotgunchief

      13 years ago

      great taste in games :-)

    • Ghost1775

      13 years ago

      Your pics are awsome. Especially Exar Kun. He's my favorite sith.

    • jake119

      13 years ago

      Star wars kicks frikin @SS!

    • katanafleetd

      13 years ago

      I see your title also got pwned by the character limit.

    • PUSHPOP

      13 years ago

      star wars kicks ass

    • brutebasher7

      13 years ago

      the last pic on ur pro is kool, but don't you think that mario's light saber looks like a red blow tube?

    • DehKitteh

      13 years ago

      Which province is Clearbrooke in? *Ish from B.C*

      Btw...the majority of your jokes are funny as hell

    • gjhowar

      13 years ago

      Nice artwork all of them.

    • Galor

      13 years ago

      ^^^Then again, it's not hard to have more Star Wars knowledge than Lucas.

    • Dementia

      13 years ago

      Just passing the word to those who like Family Guy to check my journal.

    • Peagis

      13 years ago

      tag ur it

    • Avenger114

      13 years ago

      you are it

    • skywalker87

      13 years ago

      Star Wars is all that anyone ever needs.

    • Neosakid

      13 years ago

      thats cuz GL never reads his own books

    • xenokaos

      13 years ago

      Grail: The Man with more Star Wars knowledge than George Lucas himself.

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      Don't need to pimp that ride.

    • Tetsunosuke

      13 years ago

      dont worry ill just steal ur soul or did i already do that

    • swatchick777

      14 years ago

      awwwww thanx! I like my hair 2!

    • Grunthos

      14 years ago

      Canadian SW fan....we shall train him well

    • LordVader

      14 years ago

      LOL ...... another bad lawyer joke haha , if you want a good joke look in the mirror ( now thats funny ). Now I know you'll try to kick my a$$ for that one but hey I can take you & your small army . Later dude I'm sure I'll hear your respone to this later .

    • asdfghj

      14 years ago

      I love America

    • asdfghj

      14 years ago

      meet the fockers was cool

    • Brakus

      14 years ago

      have you read any of the star wars NJO ?

    • Tetsunosuke

      14 years ago

      im doing good and yea i like urs too how u hurt ur knee

    • Tetsunosuke

      14 years ago

      whats up

    • Dementia

      14 years ago

      Your avatar looks familiar what is it from.

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