from Peoria, AZ

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      13 years ago


      Today I went to the gas station and went inside to prepay for $5.00 worth of gas, so the employee FARTED and gave me my reciept!


      13 years ago


      Men vs Women

      1. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
      2. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
      3. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
      4. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
      5. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
      6. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
      7. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
      8. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
      9. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
      10. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

      Sure Ways To Know You're A Woman

      1. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
      2. if he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
      3. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required gifts proving his love.
      4. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all of the stress of your life.
      5. When asked if something is bothering you, you reply no. Then get pissed off when you are believed.
      6. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.
      7. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
      8. Whine.
      9. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep, it's because he is lazy.
      10. Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend must be labeled a whore and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.
      11. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.


      13 years ago


      Before I lay me down to sleep,
      I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
      One who's handsome, smart and strong,
      One who loves to listen long,
      One who thinks before he speaks,
      One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
      I pray he's gainfully employed,
      When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
      Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
      Massages my back and begs to do more.
      Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
      Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
      I pray that this man will love me to no end,
      And always be my very best friend.

      I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store
      and a Ranger Bass Boat. This doesn't rhyme and I don't care. Amen.


      13 years ago


      The boss was in a quandary; he had to get rid of one of his staff.

      He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.

      He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night.

      She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the boss approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

      Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like sh*t."


      13 years ago


      It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a recently immigrated Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

      The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
      She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

      "Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
      Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

      The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its' history than you do!"

      She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
      "Who said that?" she demanded.
      Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

      At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
      The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
      Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

      Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

      Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
      Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

      The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
      Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

    • The Anti-Google Riddle Thread

      in Forums > The Anti-Google Riddle Thread | Follow this topic


      Anti-Google Coalition Riddle Rules
      2.) Bold riddles.
      3.) Bold answers. ( If you do not bold your answer it is considered incorrect! )
      4.) Always check last page before answering a riddle to see if we are still on that riddle. (REFRESH BUTTON!)
      5.) Mod Points need only be awarded if the person both ANSWERS and POSTS a new riddle! If the winner does not post a riddle in the allotted time, the next riddle poster will get those points.
      6.) After the persons answer has been declared correct by the riddler or a consensus of participants, they have 8 hours to post the riddle. If they do not post within those 8 hours, anyone is welcome to post a riddle, and whoever posts the riddle will be the one everyone is trying to answer. The new riddler is responsible for the X+ mod points, whether mod points were awarded to them or not!
      7.) All riddles have a 24 hour expiration period whereas if they are not answered or no declared winner, a new riddler is welcome to post their riddle within the guidelines layed out in rule #6. The exception to rule #7 is whereas the riddler is active in the thread, then manditory every 24 hours a hint will be required at minimum, plus the riddler at his/her discretion may decide to give extra mods.
      8.) If a person is found to be using Google or any other search engine, from the time of incident forward their riddle answers will not be accepted even if they are correct!

      Online Riddles should be worth 2 or 3 Mods, Written Riddles can be worth anywhere from 3 to 5 mods and can be increased after 12 hours at the discretion of the riddler.

      This should be included on all riddle posts.
      For X+ Mods, I will only accept bold answers. Your mods will be awarded once you post your new riddle!

      Post edited 3/23/06 8:19AM

      1396 replies


      13 years ago


      I don't how many of you shop at Costco, but this may be useful to know.

      I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

      This happened to me and it could happen to you.

      Here's how the scam works:

      Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank th em and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Costco. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. This is a serious matter. I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, probably later on today and most likely tomorrow.


      13 years ago


      For those who can solve the riddle Three.
      With twisting words and tricks by me.
      The darkest light will be clear to thee.
      For this is... the riddle Three.
      In the depths of time the secret unveils.
      Flounder high and you will fail.
      Tho the secret is known to only one,
      Leaves you searching for it to be won.
      Leaves you seeking for a hidden door.
      Bother to and you'll find more.
      The end under the letters is the way.
      Unmix to it and you just may,
      Find it to you the diagonal view.
      Forever be in the eternal few.


      13 years ago


      It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.

      "Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today" she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?"

      So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink.

      "Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."

      "Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.

      Helga blushed a deep red, gathered her composure and replied,

      "Vell, fine, tanks, und how's yur pecker?"


      13 years ago


      A husband wrote a letter for his wife to find:

      To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed - I shall be back home before midnight."

      When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

      My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

      Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

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