from Bel Air, MD

  • Activity

    • ugh

      14 years ago


      so he called me yesterday......... he explained why he broke up with me.he's reasons are understandable but that doesn't makeit hurt any less........he said that he still cares about me and he wants to get back togeather when he gets everything worked out.......... so now i dont no if i should wait for him and keep holding my breath....or throw my self back into the game and date again.......i dont want to date again.all i want is him back. so now im not only sad because he brokw up with me but im also worried about him.isn't life fun!.......how bout no. and last night was pretty harsh again........tina stayed up half the night with me again text messeging me.......but i only puked once from crying so hard.so i gues that is an improvment. i guess.

      you know when you always here on tv or read in books that someone cried them selves to sleep........well i always thought that it ment theygracefully let tears sleep off there cheek onto the pillow and fell asleep........i now know that it means you cry so hard ans so long that u get completly exgsausted and pass out. thats how i finally got to sleep last night. but once again i had a dream about him and woke up crying....so it kinda sucked.

      today in skool i only started crying in one period! go me! but it was in english.right before i had to do my speach.which i think i did horribly on because i was like half way crying during it and all i could think about was him. but the reason i started crying was because me and tina were goin through the pictures of him in my planner and alex asked who the pictures were of and i said my boyfri........i meen ex-boyfriend.........and that made me burst into tears because i hadn't said the words yet.i hadn't said ex-boyfriend. and i was like.o jeez.he's my ex boyfriend and im his ex girlfriend. and i just couldn't take it. my english teacher almost sent me to guidence! maybe i should have gone. i could have gotten everything off my chest. but o well...but i feel bad cause when i started crying so did tina cause she said the first time she said ex boyfriend after her and george broke up she started crying too.so she was remembering that and it made her cry.

      and i sent him a text message last night.cause i no he never opens them.heres what it said.

      i no that you prob wont open this...and thats why im sending it...to make me feel a tad better.......i'vebeen crying so hard that it hurts........ so hard that it has made me puke........but i just want you to know that i amstill here for you....if you ever need to talk....or just have someone listen im here........i prob wont be able to talk to you on the phone without crying for a few more days...and i wanted to no if i had something to wait for.......you said that you wanted to get back together eventually...can i keep holding my breath?......or doyou not care about me anymore......well i still love you.......right now i love you so much it hurts.....but hate you so much i want to scream......its just part of the healing process.....i dont really hate you....and i want to do anything i can to help you.

      yea that was really long and i think it went in like 5 different text messeges. but i ment everything i said in it. i told my friends i didn't want to go out wiht another guy till i got over jeff.......but i dont want to get over him...i dont even think i can.....i just want him back.

      and for anyone who doesn't no what im talking about.......read my last journal entry.

      EDIT: the next day

      ok so last night i didn't throw up from crying....woot! go me!. but i still did cry my self to sleep. o well.

      today when i was cleaning my room i found a ticket stub from when me and jeff went to the movies....i sat down in the middle of my room and cried....and for once my room was clean. lol.

    • broken heart

      14 years ago


      well for all of u that read my last entry........he was breaking my heart....he broke up with me. and now all i can do is cry...one of my best friends mollie is here with me and i dont no what i would do with out her. she yelled at jeff for me :) but i think im ok..and i then i think about him again..and i start crying again. the worst part is that i no i still love him. i just wish i had gotten to see him one last time. i will probably never see him again....wow that just brought on a bunch more tears. well for anyone who still cares....leave me some love...
      *and if u still care....i do still love you....unfortunatly*

      :edit: day after break up before school

      well i've puked three times now...from crying so hard...i've never cried this hard or this much in my entire life. im so glad i had tina tho..she stayed up with me all night....we were text messeging each other on our cells and when i told her i was puking she called me to make me breath and calm down..it didn't work very well..it just gave me the hickups....and nick texted me everyonce in a while to make sure i was okay....eventually i told tina to go to bed and get some sleep but she sais she wouldn't sleep till i did...so i finally got like two hours of sleep...but i went to sleep with tears in my eyes and i woke up crying because i had a dream about him..usually that would be a good thing.but now it just reminds me of what i had and what i lost. when i got up this mornign i took a shower....and then i decided that it wasn't even worth it to put make up on because i knew i would start crying today..... so then i just left my hair curly cause i didn't feel like straightening it..but then i started to cry cause jeff always said he liked my hair curly..so i gave up and just put it back in a pony tail.

      the worst part is.....if he asked me out again i would say yes in a heart beat.....i no thats wrong...but i just love him so god damn much....and its like he ripped out my heart, put it in a blender, and pushed pulse. my best friend goes to his school and she said she was gonna kick him in the balls for me....and me being the stupid one that i am...said no dont hurt him...then i changed my mind and told her to give him a swift kick in the gut a couple times.....

      he said he still wanted to be friends..but he took me off of his friends list....that made me cry some more.....and i no it may sound like imm obbsest....but im really not..im just heart broken.... all i could think about last night while i was crying was that i will never get to hear his voice again..or feal his arms around me... or feal his lips on mine....or be able to look into his eyes again....tina told me she felt the same way when george broke up with her.....but i just feel like i want to die in a whole.....and its not like he will even read any of this because he took me off his friends list....so he wont even no how misserable i am.........if anyone wants to tell him off....feel free to...thanx everyone

      edit: day after brake up after skool

      i started crying in homeroom and french class..nick just put his arm around and told me it would be okay in homeroom....i found pictures of me and jeff in my planner from homecoming and it made me cry....my friend mike gave me a kiss on the cheek...lol...he said it would make me feel better....it was funny. then at lunch the other mike cheered me up some..but then laura was like...wow its good that ur laughing...and it made me remember everything and it all came crashing back..then everyone yelled at laura for doing that..but i felt bad so i told her it wasn't her fault....me and tina were text messenging each other in american government and she was trying to make me feel better.....i wouldn't have made it through today with out my friends.....i probably would have broke down with out then

    • heart

      14 years ago


      is he breaking my heart or is it all in my head?

      this is a poem i wrote...it sux ass...but in a shitty mood and me and mollz started the shitty day club so we wrote poems.

      is he breaking my heart...or is it all in my head.......im starting to think that he doesn't love me anymore.....theres a pain in my chest........and i can't stop crying........help me someone..to keep me from dieing.

    • drama

      14 years ago


      there is really to much drama in my life......i've tried to tone it down some since jeff like hates it....but its just to hard to escape...i'm a CMW girl...what do u expect. all of my friends....including me kinda....refuse to go out with CMW guys because...believe it or not...there even more dramatic then the girls. they take everything to heart and believe what ever someone tells them...and they think u have to get revenge for everything..that one reason i love jeff :) he's really mellow. and is just like..w/e if someone tells him sumthin that he knows isn't true.
      and all my friends have "relationship " problems...and they ALWAYS put me in the middle..sometimes im like ok thats kool i'll help..but some of my friends want me to fight there freakin battles for them. its so gay sometimes.
      my friend tina...i feel so bad for her and shes one of my friends i am happy to help with..he boyfriend..now ex bf. is being the biggest ass in the world. he broke up with her and was really kool about it and was like im sry but im doing this for u because it tares me up that i dont get to see u anymore..and blah blah blah...but then we come back to skool and he's like calling her a whore and sayin shes ugly and shit. which she is not ugly at all...shes is one of the prettiest ppl i no. and now he's like..yea me and lisa (the girl he was cheating on tina with) had some great sex last night.... we're just like...ewwwww.....ur 14 u loser do u seriously want a kid...now im not prude or anything..but u really dont need to have sex this young.
      lol theres another reason i love jeff.....NO PRESSURE!. i hate guys like that.....so what im tryin to say i guess.....is...who the hell needs DRAMA

    • today

      14 years ago


      well yesterday i broke my finger playing basket ball.....so that sux!!!!! and today we had to do like a million suicieds.....grrrr...
      but then i came home and took a shower and got to go out with jeff!!!!!yay!!! hehe. we went ice skating....and he fell and like broke his ass bone. lol. and then we went to the movies and saw......umm......i think it was chritmas with the kranks.lol. but yea that was fun. and i think he asked me to the snowflake dance.....but im not really sure. hehe.

    • this sux

      14 years ago


      today reaaaaaaalllly sucked. 1. stupid mother woke me up early. 2. JEFF DIDN'T CALL BACK GRRRRR. o well 3. got into fight with step dad. 4. cried for an hour cause my step dad was being evil and saying stuff about me that wasn't true. 5. had to have a long talk with mom and step dad 6. i still dont no whats going on. 6. o yea and my best friend is still
      being a bitch and said she wished she never hooked me and jeff up.

      grrrr and tomorrow i have to have a long talk with the father. that sux monkey ass. o well. maybe i'll get some food out of the deal. (not like he would remember to feed me anyway)

    • grrrr parents

      14 years ago


      well lets see.........christmas was ok..... even tho i figured out that i hate my dad.i finally opened my eyes and realized that he could probably care less about me. my mom says "he cares he just doesn't no what to do with a daughter.." my response..."not my problem". im so fed up with trying to have a relationship with him. if he wanted one with me he could fukin try. my dad and my step mom treat my half brother like he's the holy savor or sumthin. i hate it so much. and i get blamed for everything. you may think that im exagerating..but i promise im not...... i hate going over to his house...i have asked them many times to not smoke in the house or at least open a window when they do it (im kinda allergic to smoke......not really allergic..but it gives me a stomsch ache, head ache, and makes me puke sometimes.) but there response."we're the onse who live here." there are 4 floors in the god damn house and eeryone of them smells like smoke. my step mom hates me and tells my mom stuff like...everytime i go there i just hide in my room. well the reason i go up in my room is because there is nothing to do there and my half bro is a holy terror. My step dad Bill has been more of a father to me in the last 2 years than my own father has been in my whole life. now that i look back on my child hood. he was never there. my dad wasn't even there on the night my mom brought me home from the hospital. it was always sumthing before me. "o sry honey i've got to go out with the guys and then we can play." i was a freakin kid and thats all he said to me. now he wants to come back into my life and try to build a relationship. i say fuk him. he doesn't let me do anything. and he think im some stupid kid who has no feelings. im almost 15! that act may have worked when i was 3 but i do have feelings now and he has lost anyhope of me having any kind of feeling towards him. i say fuk him and his stupid wife and kid who everyone knows he likes better. well my mom has sole cusduty and the court doesn't say i have to go to his house so im not gonna. let him see how it feels to be abandined by your family like he abandoned me before i was even born.

      i just needed to vent and im sure no one will read this anyways but it feels good to get it all out.

    • i got this survey from heathers journal

      14 years ago


      In The Last 48 Hours, Have You:
      01a.Gotten Blue Balls: Umm... nope
      01b. Cried: last night..only jeff knows why
      02. Bought something: yup, just got back from the b-ball game.
      03. Gotten sick: yep
      04. Sang: Of course
      05. Eaten: yup, it was tasty.
      06. Been kissed: yup
      07. Felt stupid: always
      08. Wanted to tell someone you loved them, but didn't: i wanted to tell jeff that i loved him.but he was at the mall so i couldn't call him.
      09. Met someone new: probably.
      10. Moved on: never
      11. Talk to an ex:Yup, Walker
      12. Missed an ex: no
      13. Talked to someone you have a crush on:yup
      14. Had a serious talk: yup
      15. Missed someone: ya
      16. Hugged someone:yup
      17. Fought with your parents: yep
      18. Dreamed about someone you can't be with:yes. but i get to be with him on thursday. yay!

      Social Life:
      01. Best female friend: Ali
      02. Best guy friend: Jeff
      03. Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Jeff
      04. If no, current dating partner:I don't have a dating partner....
      05. Hobbies: singing and soccer
      06. Pager: uh?
      07. Are you center of attention or the wallflower: both
      08. What type automobile do you drive: none
      09. What type automobile do you wish you drove:anything with wheels
      10. Would you rather be with friends or on a date: on a date and than hook up with my friends later
      11. Where is the best hangout: the movies
      12. Do you have a job: yup.
      13. Do you attend church:no
      14. Do you like being around people: sure
      15. Independant/Dependant: depends on the day

      01. Have you known the longest: T.T
      02. Do you argue the most with: bill
      03. Do you always get along with: ali, jeff, lindsay, jenn
      04. Is the most trustworthy: jeff
      05. Makes you laugh the most: Ali
      06. Has been there through all the hard times: Ali
      07. Has the coolest parents: Jeff..i would say ali but her mom hates me.
      08. Has the coolest siblings:mollerz
      09. Is the most blunt: Becca
      10. Is the smartest: Jeff and creel
      11. Do you love(in a friends sort of way):I love all my friends!
      12. Do you love(relationship wise): Jeff

      01. Who is your role model: don't really have one.
      02. What are some of your pet peeves: when people crack there nuckles, neat freaks, "pretenders"
      03. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: mhmm
      04. Have you ever cried over the opposite sex: yuppers
      05. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after:not really
      06. Have you ever lied to your best friend(s): never!. she would kick my ass
      07. Ever wanted to get revenge on someone because they hurt you:yes
      08. Rather be dumper or dumped: i wouldn't rather be any. i hate it when relationships end
      09. Rather have a relationship or a "hookup": relationships
      10. Want someone you don't have right now: well techniqually i have him..cause we're goin out...but i want him right now but he's not here.
      11. Ever liked your best guy/girl friend: yup
      12. Do you want to get married: yes
      13. Do you want kids: yes, but not for a while
      14. Do you believe in psychics: nope
      15. Do you believe you know the person whom you will marry at this point: maybe....but prob not
      16. What do you think is the best part of your physical appearance?:My eyes, and creel would say my boobs. lol
      17. What is your favorite part of your emotional being:I try to make people laugh as much as I can, or at least smile.
      18. Are you happy with you: only when im with jeff...he makes me happy with me. and when im with mollerz and jenn. they make me love me. lol. all the other times i can't stand my self.
      19. Are you happy with your life: Depends on the day.
      20. If you could change something in your life right now, what would it be: umm... having jeff here. having my best friend back. being able to have jeff hold me when i need him to and not have to wait a week. and i want someone to understand me.
      21. Who was the last person that called you: my dad (unfortunatly)
      22. Who was the last person that visited you: Mollerz and nicky!

    • i hate my computer

      14 years ago


      I am going to fuking kill my computer. i was doing my project. i had 6 pages typed. and the god damn thing froze. and me being the smart one that i am forgot to save stuff as i went. god i hate that. so now i had to type it all again. it took me about 45 minutes. THEN IT FROZE AGAIN. AND I DIDN'T SAVE IT. now im just a stupid retarded moron. so i have to go type the WHOLE fukin thing again

    • MHMM

      14 years ago


      well this site prooves how much of an idiot that i am. I THINK IM TURNING INTO AS BIG OF ONE AS FORTNEY! i constantly have to get jeff to explaine things to me. do u no how sad that is? well i'll tell u. VERY. lol. i feel as much of an idiot as i sound. o well. lol. creel wanted me to sign up so i did.
      *kisses* to u all


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