I guess I have been avoiding all my issues for far too long.
I have been avoiding this site for it brings me memories of the good things I once shared with a friend. A friend who no longer acknowledges my existance. But part of that is my fault as well. I could have picked up the phone to call, I could have written some letter. The $50 I saved up to donate is still hidden somewhere. I just fear that even if I do any of that she will still ignore me. I couldn't feel anymore sorry about that night.
Now things really have started to pile up.
First, i'm not doing well in school again. I just can't get up any motivation to do the work. All I ever feel like doing is curling up in a corner and wishing the world and my problems would disappear.
Second. Death seems to follow me where ever I may be these past six months. My dog sasha, been with me since I was in first grade. My lone companion against stormy nights and empty homes for... God far too long.
And now, I am told it is very likely my grandmother will be passing on my birthday.
My birthday is merely 5 days away on the 10th. She has been sick for so long but now it took a drastic turn for the worse. My mother is there now in Madison, and just today i've been told there will be no funeral. I . I don't know what to feel. I want my chance to go there, I feel like I need to be there. But i can't. My chance came only two weekends ago when I got to see her for a mere 3 days in Tucson. I will always treasure that time, but still I feel like a greedy little bitch when I think that isn't enough. She is the only grandmother I ever got to know.
So i've lost two things dear to me and about to lose a third. The only friend I ever felt I could talk to, My dear companion against my loneliness, and soon, my dear grandmother, used to be so full of life, now so small and so frail.
I don't know if I can take anymore.