First journal post, finally. I've been wanting to write one for a while now but never really knew what would be important enough to have this many characters, as I always tweet about my life on twitter. But since RTX London got announced and I was thinking about my life around that time, I finally knew.
I have depression and anxiety. I'm not ashamed of that, that's not what this journal is about.
I see a therapist regularly. I'm not ashamed of that either.
If someone asks me how I am, I answer truthfully. I feel like shit. I'm not happy, I'm always tired, and I don't want to do anything. I'm not ashamed of that.
See, when someone is ill, they take medicine. Logical, right? But when my therapist said she thought it was a good idea if I started taking Sertraline, I broke down crying.
From the very start of this whole mess, I've ALWAYS said I don't want to take anti-depressants. I'm not against them at all, I'm glad they exist. However when it came to my own mental health I felt like I was failing. I was weak. I was a quitter. Why do I need medicine for something stupid in my own head? Why can't I just make it go away with the help of a therapist? My mother and I had many conversations about this and while felt sad too, she was supportive of my therapists decision. I knew I couldn't avoid it any longer because I was in a very dark place (even though I hate that term but ya know, I was depressed as shit). I cried a lot. And I mean A LOT. I did the typical thing of looking something medical up and then being scared. The side effects were: suicidal thoughts, your feellings can get worse, you may gain weight, etc. For those who don't know me, I'm fat.
My therapist wanted me to start my medication on the Monday before RTX London. All pf this scared me so much. I was terrified of having the best weekend of my life ruined by my stupid brain and some stupid pills. I begged my therapist to let me start a week later and she agreed.
RTX London was amazing, I'm sure you all know. I had the best time and I'm so grateful to anyone who talked to me. I didn't meet a single person who wasn't nice. I only cried once (when I first hugged Gavin and come on you can't blame me for that) I felt like that weekend was the last weekend I could be free. When I got home on Monday, I had to take my first pill. Only half of one, actually. I was so grateful for RTXL, and how happy I was before I had to start my medication. Reminder: I thought I was going to be VERY suicidal.
Turns out none of that happened. I didn't gain weight. My feelings didn't worsen. I had no suicidal thoughts. I could happily ride the post con wave of feel good vibes and tweet about how much I missed RTXL.
So. With the announcement of the second RTX London, I wanted to write this journal. I have some so far. I'm so proud of myself. I'm not there yet, not at ALL. But I'm happier than I was before I started taking Sertraline. There's absolutely no doubt in my mind that RTXL is part of the reason why I didn't have side effects. They say when you do drugs, it only enhances your current mood. That's how I felt. The happiness of RTXL helped me so much and I can say for certain I wouldn't be alive without Rooster Teeth, its kind and engaging employees, and its loving and supporting family. I met my best friends because of Rooster Teeth. I met my girlfriend because of Rooster Teeth. I'm so thankful. I truly can't come up with the words to say how happy I am to have this company in my life.
I have depression and anxiety. I'm not ashamed of that.
I see a therapist regularly. I'm not ashamed of that.
I take anti-depressants and I am not ashamed of that.
If someone asks me how I am, I answer truthfully. I have good days and bad days. Overall, I'm alright. I'm hanging in there.
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(PS. To everyone who has helped me: you know who you are and I hope you know how much I appreciate you )