im posting this here because i feel like i cant really say this on fb. i mean i could but, eh not like anyone will read it either way >.>
I'm single now and have been for a lil while. trying to find someone im even slightly compatible with honestly just makes me what to rip my hair out. its something i want so bad and yet feels damn near impossible to find. wat is weird is, i am a product of my environment. everything that i have learned that i want out of a person is from this world and yet when i search for it its like it doesn't exist. sure there's hope but its just beginning to feel pointless. i go on these dating sites, so that i can put myself out there and try to meet ppl. even just for friends. and it just feels like its one problem or another. also with all of my past relationships, it feels like they were all pointless as well. sure i learned from them. but that's not what i mean. i mean pointless as in those ppl didn't really love me/care abt me otherwise we would still be together and i would feel respected rather than like i just constantly get pissed on.
the reasons that cause the incompatibility are mainly: God, sex, and animals. (lmao just keep reading). those are the 3 big things i look for when looking for someone. I believe in God and i believe that Jesus died for our sins. i want someone who believes the same. i want to see them in heaven and i want to be able to talk to them about him.
when it comes to animals, most scare the fucking sht out of me and make me uncomfortable. ive only ever met 2 dogs i could tolerate because they respected my boundaries. other wise i don't want anything to do with any real animals (i like stuffed lol). to me they just threaten my world. ive had more bad experiences than id like to think abt. i don't want to touch them. i just want them to leave me the hell alone. where as most ppl have pets/like animals. that is another big conflict.
and when it comes to sex. ughh >.< even tho i've had it before, and i have 2 kids, im really not interested, at least not until i find the right person or until i get married. even then, i think of my self as Grey-asexual. im only aroused under specific circumstances and not very often. most of my experiences in the past have been bad or just pointless. even the good experiences ive had just feel like fucking stupid. because i don't think the other person felt the same way. not to mention that now after giving birth my hips have permanently widened. i feel like something isn't right with my organs inside. most of the time everything hurts or is overl;y sensitive and doesnt feel right. that or the other person makes me feel uncomfortable. i feel like im being pressured to do something i don't want to so. that's like rape! or at least coercion. which IS NOT OK. i just recently learned all about consent. i feel stupid for some of the things i have done in the past or should i say allowed to happen to me.
anyways, ugh i don't remember how to add a picture to here. i wish i could. i just want to be respected, truly loved, cared about. someone who is serious and wont leave when sht hits the fan. (i have an extensive list actually of attributes/characteristics im looking for, but im not going to put that here cuz im not posting this to attract someone. i mean if that happens ok but that's not the point lol) im just at whits end and ready to snap at anyone who is disrespectful or makes me feel negative in some way like that. i just cant take it anymore. it sucks that i wear my heart on my sleeve and then i become hopeful when i get along with someone and then i just get let down.
this world sucks because of the way its set up or should i say the commonalities of things. i am not common or normal by any means. blarg maybe this is all just a test. maybe im ment to feel this way so that im forced to take things slow even if the person is the one. a test of self control! idk maybe im just rambling at this point. anyways im done. if u read this comment. i probably havent heard from u in years and it would be nice to catch up.