out_of_hell

Male
from a house.

  • Activity

    • A Trip to Costco

      9 years ago

      out_of_hell

      Yesterday I was at my Local COSTCO buying a large bag of
      Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the
      checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she
      think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on
      impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the
      Purina Diet again.. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended
      up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
      awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
      orifices and IVs in both arms.

      I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the
      way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
      simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
      nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
      (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now
      enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in
      intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I
      stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

      I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack
      he was laughing so hard.

      Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

    • Proofreading

      9 years ago

      out_of_hell

      Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

      Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
      This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day..

      I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.
      Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
      No kidding, really? Ya think?
      ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

      Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
      *Now that's taking things a bit far!
      -----------------------------------------------------------

      Miners Refuse to Work after Death
      *No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
      ------------------------------------------------------

      Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
      *See if that works any better than a fair trial!
      ---------------------- ------------------------------------

      War Dims Hope for Peace
      *I can see where it might have that effect!
      ----------------------------------------------------------------

      If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
      *Ya think?!
      -----------------------------------------------------------------------

      Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
      *Who would have thought!
      ----------------------------------------------------------------

      Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
      *They may be on to something!
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------

      Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
      *You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
      ----------------------------------------------------------

      Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
      *He probably IS the battery charge!
      ----------------------------------------------

      New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
      *Weren't they fat enough?!
      -----------------------------------------------

      Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
      *That's what he gets for eating those beans!
      -------------------------------------------------

      Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
      *Do they taste like chicken?
      ****************************************

      Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
      *Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
      ***************************************************

      Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
      *Boy, are they tall!
      *******************************************
      And the winner is.....
      Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

      *Did I read that right?

    • The Mule

      9 years ago

      out_of_hell

      Curtis &Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

      Curtis &Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
      The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
      They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
      The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
      Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
      The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
      Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

      A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked. "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
      They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
      Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
      The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
      Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

    • Job opening at Walmart

      9 years ago

      out_of_hell

      Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

      The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

      The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning. 'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.

      'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.. 'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes
      and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

      'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed. ‘
      She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply 'Well out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'

      Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

      Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

      Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

      'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

      Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'

      BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

      You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.

    • Traffic Camera

      9 years ago

      out_of_hell

      A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
      He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though
      he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around
      the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again
      the camera flashed..
      Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so
      he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera
      again flashed.
      He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth
      time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time
      at a snail's pace...
      Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail
      for driving without a seat belt.

    • The Class Assignment

      9 years ago

      out_of_hell

      The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
      Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
      productive salesmanship.

      Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,"
      she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's
      civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

      "Very good," said the teacher.

      Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I
      explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current
      events.

      "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

      Eventually, it was Little John's turn. The teacher held her breath.

      Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full
      of
      cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

      "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

      "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
      "Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough
      tooth brushes to make that much money?"

      "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a
      Dip &
      Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the
      same thing,
      "Hey, this tastes like shit!" Then I would say, "It is shit, wanna buy a toothbrush?"

    • Peaches

      9 years ago

      out_of_hell

      A farmer was selling his peaches door to door.

      He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something

      woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered

      the door.

      He raised his basket to show her the peaches and

      asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'

      She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and

      asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'

      He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,'' and a

      little tear ran from his eye.

      Then she pulled the other side of her negligee

      off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?'

      The farmer said, 'Yes ma'am' and another tear

      came from the other eye.

      Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee

      and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'

      He again said, 'Yes, ma'am,'

      and broke down crying.

      She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'

      Drying his eyes he replied,

      ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my

      soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now

      I think I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches.

    • WAL-MART APPLICATION

      9 years ago

      out_of_hell

      this is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to
      Wal-Mart in Arkansas.   They hired him because he was so funny.....

      NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
      SEX: Not lately
      DESIRED POSITION:  Company's President or Vice President.  But 
      seriously, whatever's available.   If I was in a position to be picky, I 
      wouldn't be applying here in the first place?
      DESIRED SALARY:  $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style
      severance package.  If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
      EDUCATION: Yes.
      LAST POSITION HELD:    Target for middle management hostility.
      PREVIOUS SALARY:  A lot less than I'm worth.
      MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
      REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
      HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.
      PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
      DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?  Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
      MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?     If I had one, would I be here?
      DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO
      50 lbs.?   Of what?
      DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
      HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?  I may already be a winner
      of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
      DO YOU SMOKE?  On the job - no!  On my breaks - yes!
      WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas  with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.    Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
      NEAREST RELATIVE...7 miles
      DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST of YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:  Oh yes, absolutely.

    • Things to do in a drive through

      10 years ago

      out_of_hell

      1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
      2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for.
      3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands.
      4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
      5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels.
      6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in.
      7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on.
      8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
      9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box.
      10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
      11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, "May I take your order?"
      12. When asked if they can take your order say, "Why, can I take yours?"
      13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
      14. Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away.
      15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
      16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
      17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
      18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it.
      19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
      20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

    • Three Guys Go To Heaven

      10 years ago

      out_of_hell

      Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
      "So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
      "None. I had a perfect marriage."
      "Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
      "Only twice, I think," says the second guy.
      "Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
      "12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.
      "Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."
      Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.
      "What's wrong?"
      "I just saw my wife."
      "So?"
      "She was riding a skateboard."

  • About Me

  • Comments (96)

    • spartfartmen

      9 years ago

      What do you mean?
      Bio shock 2 has been out for ages?

    • spartfartmen

      9 years ago

      Playing some GTA 4 I haven't really gotten a chance to play the actual story.

    • spartfartmen

      9 years ago

      Hello =)

    • saull

      9 years ago

      dude your profile pictures are hilarious...

    • spartfartmen

      9 years ago

      lol hi

    • MrJacinto Hey I'm Grump

      10 years ago

      There's an old pic. I need to start playing that guitar again.

    • falloutgirl0

      10 years ago

      english is gooooooooood

    • falloutgirl0

      10 years ago

      probably english.
      i cant really stand any other subject.
      i think it would be kinda cool to teach seniors. no SOL to worry about.
      a lazy class xP

    • falloutgirl0

      10 years ago

      thats cool :]

      im going to college to be a teacher haha

    • falloutgirl0

      10 years ago

      lol
      you going to college?

    • falloutgirl0

      10 years ago

      cool cool.

      i graduated the 6th XD

      doesnt really feel any different does it?

    • falloutgirl0

      10 years ago

      lolz
      when did you graduate?

    • falloutgirl0

      10 years ago

      yeah it has been
      im good

      you?

    • falloutgirl0

      10 years ago

      codyyyyyyyyyyyyy

    • Sanserif

      10 years ago

      Scared the Shat outta me. Check it out.

      www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YnXu3n7GWQ

    • nvrtrstCHEEZ

      10 years ago

      2514096781_1809cc3d20_o.jpg

    • sexieladie69

      10 years ago

      awww....thats very sweet...thank you

    • nvrtrstCHEEZ

      10 years ago

      OMG! CROSSOVER!!
      Digimon_meets_pokemon.jpg

    • falloutgirl0

      10 years ago

      well that stinks
      boredom kills

    • falloutgirl0

      10 years ago

      sureeeeee you were
      boredom =[
      you?

    • falloutgirl0

      10 years ago

      im not ewwww
      *cries*

    • falloutgirl0

      10 years ago

      eww its cody XP

    • falloutgirl0

      11 years ago

      im ok i guess lol

    • falloutgirl0

      11 years ago

      how are youuuu? lol

    • falloutgirl0

      11 years ago

      hey

    • falloutgirl0

      11 years ago

      its ok XP

      i ended up leaving anyways.
      went to the movies with my lady =]

    • falloutgirl0

      11 years ago

      phewwww
      good lol

    • falloutgirl0

      11 years ago

      i dunno.
      whenever something goes wrong i end up getting blamed

    • falloutgirl0

      11 years ago

      ehh apparently im the cause of everyones problems these days

    • falloutgirl0

      11 years ago

      aww im sorry

    • falloutgirl0

      11 years ago

      yea it would be

      mmk.
      have fun eating

    • falloutgirl0

      11 years ago

      i hope so lol

    • falloutgirl0

      11 years ago

      hehe

      umm ive mostly just been hanging out with friends and stuff

      erm most likely im gonna be forced to move back to manassas

    • falloutgirl0

      11 years ago

      umm because you arent that old, i could see you wearing something like that though XD

      well thats sounds uhh fun

    • falloutgirl0

      11 years ago

      oh yea. my bad. im good.

      haha as if i believe that >_<

      whatcha up to?

    • falloutgirl0

      11 years ago

      yea but hes weird and doesnt like any of them lolz

      so how are you?

    • falloutgirl0

      11 years ago

      well helloooooooooooooooo
      im not lol.

      i have a friend that moved and he wanted me to get one of these to keep in touch XP

    • nvrtrstCHEEZ

      11 years ago

      This+is+Jenga!.jpg

    • shadow89

      11 years ago

      no i had off today

    • simmous

      11 years ago

      i'm going good

    • simmous

      11 years ago

      hey how it hagging

    • haloqueeny

      11 years ago

      lol cool

    • shadow89

      11 years ago

      theres your 50 :P

    • Thegoodies

      11 years ago

      SWEET PIC MAN!!!!!!

    • Andariel

      11 years ago

      :P nice pic comment bud lol

    • zan77

      11 years ago

      yea

    • Andariel

      11 years ago

      Im pretty sure im 16, but you know my parents could have lied to me about that... yeah i jsut logged on and have a new comment on every picture :P thanks! ^^

    • gameslayer64

      11 years ago

      thats cool

    • eliasf

      11 years ago

      Nuttin much just chillin on the internet.

  • Questions

    No questions have been answered yet