pennypanda

26 years old
Not Specified
from Madison, WI

  • Activity

    • How Do Other People Do This?

      4 years ago

      pennypanda

      I find myself asking this question all the time about just being able to function as an adult. Currently, I am a college graduate who feels completely stunted not only because I live at home, but because I live at home without a car. Luckily I live within walking distance from my work and I can arrange use of my parent’s car when I need to, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m sick of feeling like a small child. Yes, I’m working on saving up for a car and moving out, but the big ugly cloud of student loans is really making it bleak at the moment.
      Those things aside, that’s not actually what I want to write this journal about, I want to write this journal about is why I just spent the first half hour of my work day stuck in the bathroom trying really hard to stop crying. The one really bad thing about the 20 minute walk to work is that my brain sometimes has trouble shutting up at times, and on a walk that I have done twice a day, five times a week, for the past year, my brain decides to have a fucking field day. Today’s topic of panic was my future and how I have no clue what I’m doing (not even thinking about long-term, I don’t even know what I’m doing for the next few years). Now, don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my job, I will work here for as long as it makes sense, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am currently in a field that I have no training in. Everything I know I’ve learned on the job, which means that I’m pretty decent at the things I have to do on a day by day basis, but anything else within my field, I am completely lost. And nothing would thrill me more than to learn, and I even have the means to teach myself at home, but there are only so many hours in the day and I find myself getting more and more tired that I have to use what energy I have left after work on things like laundry and cleaning (and yeah, maybe occasionally minecraft or other gaming, but even that’s becoming less frequent).
      I love what I do, but I have no idea how to do it, I just kind of wing it and hope it works (and ask google when I get stuck).
      And what I think I’ve been grappling with more was that that one thing I was genuinely good at, that I was confident I knew I was doing, that I kicked ass in, I didn’t have the balls to actually do. If you ask anyone I interact with on a regular basis, they will tell you that I rarely say good things about myself (generally annoyingly so) but I was a good stage manager. And I miss being a stage manager so much. The problem was that when I left college I got scared. I was scared that everything I had experienced was in this cushy collegiate bubble and I would never be able to cut it in the real world, that I couldn’t just wing it. I had already accepted the fact that non-equity, free-lance stage management isn’t a well paying career, and I had decided that I would wait tables or bartend for as long as I needed to if it meant I got to do theatre, but when the time came for me to take that leap, I chickened out.
      And now here I am, over a year later in a job that I got by a fluke that I still question why I was even hired in the first place (seriously, I got hired with absolutely zero video production experience) and I’m content and will stay here for as long as they will have me. I just wonder what would have happened if I had actually taken that leap and I panic almost every day about what’s coming next.

      tl;dr: I just panicked in the bathroom for 20 minutes about how I don't know what I'm doing with my life

    • Vegas Bound

      4 years ago

      pennypanda

      I just finished packing for my trip to Las Vegas for a cousin's wedding, and while I am very excited for that and to be spending time with my family, I am dreading what has to come first. I'm not exactly the best in airplanes... other than the fact that my face feels like it's imploding during take-off and especially landing, like so much pain I generally sit there in tears because it hurts so much and there's nothing I can do (and please no comments on things I can do to relieve the pain and discomfort, I have tried just about everything) there also is generally a moment about halfway through the flight where my brain reminds me that I am in a metal tube hurling through the air and I start questioning laws of physics and gravity even though my logical brain knows everything will be fine.

      tl;dr I hate flying, a lot

      giphy.gif
      ^what I'll be telling myself most of the flight

    • My Favorite Game of Thrones Moment

      4 years ago

      pennypanda

      No joke, this is actually my favorite moment in Game of Thrones. It's not really a spoiler and no context is really needed, but it just made me laugh so hard.

      55502d24b80bcc99383a1463_stannis-grammar

      55502cf91aaec7043ea45b14_stannis-grammar

      STANNIS-GRAMMAR.jpg

      And because of that small moment, Stannis is now officially my favorite character.

    • Fitness Update #2: Fighting the Apathy

      4 years ago

      pennypanda

      Back at the beginning of this, I was afraid that my motivation was going to start to waver after a couple weeks, but boy was I wrong.
      The past week or so my workouts have been kind of crappy and I've felt pretty shitty after each of them, wishing I could do more, and just continually telling myself that even a bad workout is better than no workout (which gets hard to believe after some time)
      But this morning I had a brief moment of clarity where I think I figured out why I've been having bad workouts recently. In the past, whenever I have had a burst of fitness or dieting or whatever, it normally lasts about 2 months at the most before things get in the way and I start making excuses. I'm two months in at this point which means that the little timer in my brain is trying to tell me "it was fun for a while, but now it's time to stop"
      So I'm going to keep moving and keep going. Push past this feeling of apathy, because at this point a bad workout is truly better than no workout since the no workout for one day would probably result in no workout for much, much longer.

    • Vinyl

      4 years ago

      pennypanda

      I keep seeing records everywhere and the beautiful vinyl is seriously calling to me, but my only issue is my lack of money paired with lack of actual record player.

      So instead I will just watch this gif endlessly

      vintage2.gif?w=450&h=227

    • Keep Those Plates Spinning

      4 years ago

      pennypanda

      image-axd.jpeg

      Life is a balancing act, trying to keep all the plates spinning in the air, but I'm convinced that at any moment one plate will break and cause this cascade effect. My life has been a series of upswings and downfalls, and no matter how high I can get on the way up, the down feels so much worse and takes away anything good I might have built up. And I'm afraid it's happening again. I can't be entirely sure though, but for the past few weeks I feel like I've just been playing at being alright, because the reality is something that I can barely cope with on my own. So I go to the movies and I go to the gym and I smile at work and make jokes out of everything. So I sabotage myself and I burn bridges that should remain intact, so I help everything that's crumbling finally collapse. So I do everything in my power to keep those plates spinning
      and spinning
      because once one falls, they'll all come crashing down.

    • Sometimes I Make Faces

      4 years ago

      pennypanda

      Something you would never guess by the fact that there are actually picture of me, I don't actually like my picture taken very much. If I'm with a friend or a group of people I am more likely to accept the picture, but it's always been my nature to prefer being behind the scenes (or in this case, behind the camera).
      I used to try and duck out of frame when I saw someone taking a picture, but that never really worked out well, so a few years ago I started making faces. The longer a camera was on me, the more weird faces I would cycle through.
      And I have some proof, here is picture number one, taken when I was completely unaware of the camera and just going about my business:

      2015-03-24_10-28-13_9275b15d_zpsxkfwnn9a

      and picture number two, taken when I saw my coworker with the camera, note the change in facial expression:

      2015-03-24_10-28-02_6285b15d_zpslrg6ngui

      There you have it folks, documentation that my face doesn't actually look that weird all the time.
      And in case you are wondering, I am standing in a giant inflatable colon.

    • My Hometown

      4 years ago

      pennypanda

      I've lived in the same house my entire life (really trying to work on that, but at least for now, I don't have to worry about rent) and while I have had fun times living elsewhere, and I fully expect to move to other parts of the country within my lifetime, it's always nice to remember your roots.
      My hometown is kind of an amazing place, for a tiny little township that most people outside of the immediate area have never heard of. It's so easy sometimes to focus on the negative, like the horrible potholes around or the annoying neighbors down the street, but it's good to remember why you love a place to.
      Which is why I'm sharing this video. My company produced a show called Another Angle, which is aerial footage with narration all about my township. I want to share with others the place that means so much to me.
      I know there will be a day when I move away, but West Bloomfield will always hold a special place in my heart.

    • Fitness Update #1

      4 years ago

      pennypanda

      I don't intend to do updates that regularly, just when I pass certain milestones/goals/things of that nature, like this one: I have successfully kept up my motivation for 3 weeks, with no end in sight!
      And a few other fun things on how I've been doing:
      When I First Started vs. How I'm Doing Now
      I had never touched a weight machine in my life
      I can now consistently do 30 lbs on most of the machines (I have learned I have weak shoulders)
      The thought of jogging 10 minutes was incredibly intimidating
      For a week now, I've solidly jogged 35 minutes (today I did only run 25, but that's because I started pushing the speed)
      I was just happy with the thought of working out 2-3 times a week
      For the past three weeks I have worked out every other day, without fail

      I've also been working hard on eating better, sure it's not the best (a girl needs pizza every once in a while) but overall my eating habits have improved ten-fold over a few weeks ago. And although it is still too early to be looking for changes, I have definitely begun to feel better in general, even though every inch of my body is sore and the thought of moving sucks a great deal, I feel like my attitude during the day has improved and I am definitely sleeping more soundly.

      I thought I would have more then vs. now things to share, but I'm sure I'll get more as I keep going, because there is no way I'm going to stop.

    • Achievement Unlocked: Gym Membership

      4 years ago

      pennypanda

      I feel like I've written so many journals on here about various times I tried exercising more or dieting, and it's kind of funny in a sad way to read back on those with the knowledge of how quickly my motivation dwindled or how other things got in the way. But not this time.
      This time's for real.
      I have now signed up for a gym membership, nothing super fancy, just basically wanted access to machines and some help getting started. But it's time for me to do this for real. Yes, part of the reason is that I want to lose weight and get in shape, but also weight-related health issues run in my family, and now is the perfect time to form these healthy habits. (Along with working out, I am working on eating cleaner, not necessarily completely cutting out my favorite foods, just everything in moderation)
      And I have several (obtainable and realistic) goals in mind to keep me moving:

      1) lose (at least) 10 lbs by my cousin's wedding (at the end of May)
      2) Be able to fit in my jeans again (currently when I put them on they are tight with some extreme muffin-topping)
      3) I want to feel comfortable wearing a bikini (this one may take a while..)

      What I like about these goals is that (aside from the first one) they are not about numbers on a scale, they are more designed around how I want to feel about myself.
      Also, I'm guessing in about two weeks I will start losing motivation, but I'm determined this time not to let it get me and to push through.

      giphy.gif

      LET'S DO THIS!

  • Comments (290)

    • Raf Raf

      6 years ago

      not cool

      n.gif?w=253&h=283

    • Raf Raf

      6 years ago

      gifs_01.gif?w=310&h=299

    • Raf Raf

      6 years ago

      tumblr_mltmhhrtz51qzmowao1_250.gif?w=208 they see me rollin.....

    • Raf Raf

      6 years ago

      tumblr_mmaywll7rm1r3gb3zo2_250.gif?w=245 IM ABOUT TO EXPLODE FROM AWWW

    • Kiwi OCC Time Lord

      6 years ago

      Hey pretty lady! I've started a newer, more active and modern group for the Ladies of Rooster Teeth!. This is a place for us to be active, involved, and growing in the community and will replace the Girls of Rooster Teeth. Come join us!

    • Raf Raf

      6 years ago

      h0EF08018 hug for a better year!

      • pennypanda

        6 years ago

        awwww. thanks so much!

    • Raf Raf

      6 years ago

      caring-animal-family.gif cuteness overload

    • Raf Raf

      6 years ago

      tumblr_mhssuzd3e41ruge76o1_500.gif

      cause chinchillas are damn adorable as well

      • pennypanda

        6 years ago

        d'awwwwww SO MUCH CUTE smiley4.gif

    • Raf Raf

      6 years ago

      tumblr_ml3yxghkvb1qdlh1io1_400.gif?w=400 Do a barrel roll!

      • pennypanda

        6 years ago

        and I sure do appreciate them smiley6.gif

      • Raf Raf

        6 years ago

        lol one who appreciates gifs receives gifs

      • pennypanda

        6 years ago

        I feel so privileged that I got 3 cat gifs in a row today! and this one is just so funny

    • Raf Raf

      6 years ago

      i-chzbgr-12.gif?w=400 So much winning!

    • Raf Raf

      6 years ago

      56456.gif?w=400

      HAD TO SHARE

      • pennypanda

        6 years ago

        That looks super comfortable

    • Raf Raf

      6 years ago

      I see your Panda and challenge it with this!

      tumblr_lzpf2nObLQ1r9aw9go1_500.gif

      • Raf Raf

        6 years ago

        Glad to be of service smiley8.gif

      • pennypanda

        6 years ago

        I think I'm going to watch this instead of write my paper

    • Raf Raf

      6 years ago

      tumblr_ml50bsetFh1r3gb3zo1_400.gif

      Today was productive Tuesday I must say, I hope yours went well!

      • pennypanda

        6 years ago

        Seeing that made my Tuesday better for sure

    • Raf Raf

      6 years ago

      tumblr_ml10rlcG2A1rxagu2o1_500.gif

      • pennypanda

        6 years ago

        I only wish I were that skilled

      • Raf Raf

        6 years ago

        I believe it's a great accomplishment to successfully pull off a stunt like that

      • pennypanda

        6 years ago

        I can't tell if that fox is being successful or not

    • Raf Raf

      6 years ago

      h8E3C3075

      Lazy lazy lazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy saturday!

      • pennypanda

        6 years ago

        I wish my saturday could have been that lazy. and this rabbit is the cutest thing ever

    • Raf Raf

      6 years ago

      1292331363_sugar-gliders-in-a-box.gif

      Ive wanted a sugar glider for quite some time, look at how adorable they are!

      • pennypanda

        6 years ago

        a tupperware full of cute! I WANT IT!

    • Raf Raf

      6 years ago

      Get down on the weekend yeahhhhhh

      h5324D309

      • Raf Raf

        6 years ago

        Disturbingly awesome smiley0.gif

      • pennypanda

        6 years ago

        slightly disturbing, but awesome nonetheless

    • Raf Raf

      6 years ago

      Im on spring break and I have so much time for gaming....this is my excitement

      tumblr_m7vivpnqlc1qgawlzo1_500.gif

      • Raf Raf

        6 years ago

        Hehe yeah family can definitely do that to you. Im working four days straight this week so I had to take advantage of the free time I had. All in all so far it has been successful. Hope your weekend is just as enjoyable!

      • pennypanda

        6 years ago

        luckily it was only one night. I don't think I could handle more time with them. It was tiring to say the least. And a few days to bum out sounds fantastic. That's what I plan to do this weekend

      • Raf Raf

        6 years ago

        Honestly just sitting at home and catching up on gaming. Im in need of a few days to just bum out. Hows your trip to the family going?

      • pennypanda

        6 years ago

        That is quite a bit of excitement. Doing anything fun for your spring break?

    • Raf Raf

      6 years ago

      Hey, so just wanted to say Happy Friday!

      tumblr_m8bm5ldpXL1r6pdi0o1_500.gif

      btw, i appreciate these gif conversations very much smiley13.gif

      • pennypanda

        6 years ago

        I greatly enjoy these gif conversations as well!! smiley11.gif

    • Raf Raf

      6 years ago

      Hey, so just wanted to say Happy Friday!

      tumblr_m8bm5ldpXL1r6pdi0o1_500.gif

      btw, i appreciate these gif conversations very much smiley13.gif

    • Raf Raf

      6 years ago

      This sounds like me, this gif is beyond adorable

      tumblr_mj7vjldetu1rbz9cko1_500.gif

      • pennypanda

        6 years ago

        d'awww that is just fantastic!

    • Raf Raf

      6 years ago

      Happy Paddy's Saint day to you too?

      3.gif

      • Raf Raf

        6 years ago

        The cats celebrated hard

      • pennypanda

        6 years ago

        That looks like everyone in the bar on Sunday

    • Raf Raf

      6 years ago

      Happy Caturday!

      tumblr_m91zerfWvj1qdlh1io1_500.gif

      WHAT UP?

      • Raf Raf

        6 years ago

        Thank you smiley11.gifsmiley9.gif

      • pennypanda

        6 years ago

        happy (slightly belated) caturday to you too!

    • Raf Raf

      6 years ago

      tumblr_mde814eLNK1qb5gkjo2_400.gif
      This is how I look when there are urgent matters to attend to

      • Raf Raf

        6 years ago

        I never saw a koala run until I saw this, made me AWWW hard

      • pennypanda

        6 years ago

        I would watch a race of just koala's running, it would be the cutest thing in the world

    • Raf Raf

      6 years ago

      This....this is something wonderful

      tumblr_mdpvemhT381qdlh1io1_500.gif

      • Raf Raf

        6 years ago

        smiley0.gif it goes along to any music too!

      • pennypanda

        6 years ago

        I'm just going to watch this instead of sleep tonight

    • Raf Raf

      6 years ago

      screw work, i rather be pulling off this move tumblr_mevhkec7OG1qfvx4yo1_500.gif

      • pennypanda

        6 years ago

        may times of the day I would rather be in a burrito blanket

    • Raf Raf

      6 years ago

      tumblr_mh303xnkgj1ruikyvo1_500.gif hmmm yes, very good deduction of cuteness

      • pennypanda

        6 years ago

        that is so freaking cute I can't stand it!!

    • Raf Raf

      6 years ago

      Oh hai, dropped by to say Hello on your page

      tumblr_m0h4rnt0w81rpvbr3o1_500.gif

      • pennypanda

        6 years ago

        I really think this is the start of a beautiful friendship

    • suppi

      8 years ago

      Considering you're a Starkid fan as well, that means you're just as awesome.

      tumblr_lkm285nRf51qafrh6.gif

      • pennypanda

        6 years ago

        just saw this gif again and it made me super happy!

    • Batpez FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      8 years ago

      there are those who fake it

    • Batpez FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      8 years ago

      always nice to find a real fan of H2G2 smiley0.gif

    • ramsx131

      8 years ago

      haha dunno why you're sorry :P Just was wondering is all :D

    • ramsx131

      8 years ago

      Ouch :( any other online gaming?

    • ramsx131

      8 years ago

      No problem :D You play any xbox live?

    • ramsx131

      8 years ago

      Well good luck with them :D

    • ramsx131

      8 years ago

      Yup yup, going to the Flogging Molly concert on St. Paddy's Day :D and any luck with the apps?

    • ramsx131

      8 years ago

      Spring break just started so I'm great :D

    • ramsx131

      8 years ago

      How's it goin? :D

    • ramsx131

      8 years ago

      Thanks for the add :D

    • joebilly

      8 years ago

      Hello and welcome to the Paperclips Fans group. It is great to see new faces joining in to listen to good music. Please take the time to check out the Paperclips' music on myspace and the link to their music video on the group page. Lets have a great time!

    • draco24

      8 years ago

      I always thought the Amazing Race would be cool. Going from different countries and trying to scheme the whole time. Sounds like it would be fun.

    • draco24

      8 years ago

      It's a work computer. But yeah, I would go on a show like that and a few others if only I could guarantee some money. I just can't go a few weeks without pay.

    • draco24

      8 years ago

      Stupid lagginess. smiley2.gif

      Post edited 11/18/10 10:40AM

    • draco24

      8 years ago

      Stupid lagginess. smiley2.gif

      Post edited 11/18/10 10:40AM

    • draco24

      8 years ago

      But if you made it all the way through, god I think I'd feel unstoppable.

    • draco24

      8 years ago

      But if you made it all the way through, god I think I'd feel unstoppable.

    • draco24

      8 years ago

      It's on purpose. If it annoys you, imagine how it feels to have that be your only company? smiley4.gif

    • draco24

      8 years ago

      It's definitely a good show and always interesting. I just wish it was on more often.

    • GothWerewolf

      9 years ago

      I am good! :D

      Wow I needa check this out more often...and update a few things. Hehe. =D

    • GothWerewolf

      9 years ago

      eeyyy there cutie thang, thnx fo addy! ^^

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