pennypanda

26 years old
Not Specified
from Madison, WI

  • Activity

    • That Time I Walked Out Of a Movie...

      4 years ago

      pennypanda

      I could have told this story yesterday, but with all the warm fuzzies going around, I didn't want to be this one lone voice of a downer (I also didn't really want to think about it).
      But yesterday, for the first time in my life, I actually walked out on a movie in the theatres.
      And I just want to be clear, it would take a lot for me to do that, I have sat through the worst pieces of shit ever without walking out (mostly because at that point, I start making snarky comments in my head), but yesterday was different.
      And no, it wasn't 50 Shades of Grey (haven't seen that and probably won't see it), I walked out on Still Alice.
      This should have no reflection on the quality of the movie itself, it was more of a content issue than a quality issue.
      Because the movie is all about a mother getting sick.
      Because the movie is all about a mother getting sick and telling her kids and her family.
      That portion of the film was enough to make it way too much for me to handle. I tried going to the bathroom to compose myself, but when I sat down in that theatre seat the second time, I realized I would not be able to make it through. It just hit too close to home and reminded me too much of when my mom got sick, and the moment when she told me.
      I know I've shared on the site that over three years ago, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, I believe it was stage 3b (although I'm not positive, I just know it was far along, and it was the aggressive kind). But I don't think I shared the story with you (or with everyone) about how I found out, and how that was singularly the most traumatic moment of my life:
      It was the summer I lived in NYC and was an intern at Sleep No More. I had just gotten off from a show (so it was probably around 10:45 or 11 PM) and I had a ten minute walk to the subway, so I would normally call my mom anytime I walked someplace (still do) because I like chatting and it makes me feel like I have company on an otherwise lonely walk. So I called her, but she couldn't hear what I was saying. I could still hear her, but my phone was being dumb and broken. So I tried calling her a couple more times, and the last time she told me not to hang up, even though I couldn't respond, there was something she had to tell me, so I could just listen. And she did. Within an instant I was weeping and running down the street, in desperate search of a payphone so I could talk back, say something, anything, even though there were no words to express how devastated I felt. My best friend was sick, and I wasn't there with her. When I finally did get to a payphone and called her, we talked there for a long time, me on the street corner inside the little half booths for payphones, just trying to wrap my head around what was happening, me insisting I come home, my mother refusing, saying her health was not going to interfere with my education, and so on and so forth.
      And that's the end of the story, for the majority of her sickness and treatments, I wasn't there, I was at school, feeling completely shitty, I was just a passive observer, like the horrible night on the phone where I couldn't talk back.

      Even though that horrible moment was three years ago, I still haven't been able to move past. Even though my mom is completely cancer free and healthy (or as healthy as she can be after all the chemo they pumped through her) I still can't get over this fear of losing her.
      And so even though Still Alice is about Alzheimers and not cancer or any other health issue, it was still way to hard for me to sit there and watch a mother getting sick and telling her kids.
      Maybe one day I'll be able to watch it, just doubt it will be anytime soon.

    • Secret Cinema

      4 years ago

      pennypanda

      So there's this movie theatre by me that does Secret Cinema screenings, and I have to say, they are AMAZING.
      I have wanted to go for a long time, and have now officially gone to two and saw the brilliant films Planes, Trains, and Automobiles and Diner.
      And what I think I like best is that it gets my nerdy film-analysis brain going and both times I came out of the film thinking "wow, it would be really interesting to write a paper on this film"
      Needless to say, I plan on going to a lot more of these screenings.
      And if any RTMI people want to go with me, I'm always down for company

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      DinerKBaconThumbUp.gif

    • 7 Years Later

      4 years ago

      pennypanda

      Today marks my 7 year anniversary of being part of this wonderful community. I have many emotions to go along with how I feel when I think about RT and everyone/everything that's happened here, but I don't have the talent to express those emotions adequately in verbal form, so I'll keep this simple.
      In my time here on the community, I have definitely had my ups and downs, from moments where I feel like a voice yelling into an empty room to bearing parts of my heart and soul and being accepted and supported with open arms.


      [in this blank space I stared at this journal for about 20 minutes trying to find the right words without getting too gushy, and failing that, I give you a cute animal gif]
      anigif_enhanced-buzz-31689-1355761210-14

      I love you all so much and can't wait for what 2015 has in store. smiley13.gif

    • 4 years ago

      pennypanda
    • On Online Dating

      4 years ago

      pennypanda

      I realized that my last journal was very anti-weather, and while I believe it was completely called for in the situation, I did actually make it to Rochester for that weekend, so that was nice. And I also decided that it was time to talk about something else, so I decided to lay out my feelings on a topic that I have been grappling with for a while: online dating. (sidenote: why do I remember everyone spelling it on-line, was that actually a thing or something I just made up in my head....)

      I was about to start this rambling with the statement "I've only tried online dating a little bit" but then I realized that would be a blatant lie. While I like to believe I was only "that desperate" a few times, it reality I've actually done it quite a bit, and been semi-successful with it too.
      Saying this right off the bat: in this discussion of dating websites, I am excluding RT because while this is online and there are people who date who met through here, in my mind it's not the same
      While I did use J-date for a brief period (which the reasoning behind came from my mother: "If you're going to do online dating, might as well meet a nice Jewish boy") I predominately used okcupid (because free) and have deleted and remade my profile a whopping 3 times, since every time I actually ended up in a relationship I optimistically thought that I would not need the profile again and deleted it instead of merely suspending it, and because of this I kept losing my go to pseudonyms on the internet and most recently had to resort to sidecarpenny (which there is a story behind, but led a lot of people to ask "what's a sidecar penny? to which the answer is clearly "me").
      sorry if this next paragraph seems unrelated to the one before, there was a connection in my head, I promise
      I guess part of me typing this is that I'm trying to work through the stupid stigma that I feel encompasses online dating. I have had two marginally successful relationships from okcupid (and also now I realize I was the one who started both of those conversations) and I've been on some good dates from it too (and also some downright horrible ones, but that's a different issue). But whenever I try to tell a girlfriend about "that guy I went on a date with" and she asks me how I met him, I always feel embarrassed divulging that it was through some dating site. In fact, I outright lied to my mother about how I met some of them (I would eventually come clean) because I didn't know what she would think. And while the logical side of me knows that it's become a more accepted thing, but the louder side is still fairly reluctant to talk about it.
      Right now, I'm taking a break from all of the online dating stuff, my account is suspended and I try not to think about it (which is clearly going well), because even though I'm not dating anyone right now, at the moment I don't want to put myself out there the way that having that online profile makes you do. And besides, something I realized while composing this long journal was that each time I recreated my online dating profile, I kind of got more cynical about it, I replied to less people (at the beginning I would replay to almost everyone) and also reached out to less. All around, I seemed to lose more and more interest each time around. And since I am absolute shit at meeting people in "real life" I am further solidifying my place as a spinster, a role which has been creeping up on me more and more as of late, but that is another story for another time.

      So throwing questions into the abyss of the internet in the midst of my long ramblings: Do you agree there's still a stigma? Do you have your own online dating related things to share?

      TL;DR: I ramble a lot about my opinions and experiences with online dating.

      anigif_mobile_22a2a634b8c638bb9640b0c66c
      Tim Curry, because why not?

    • 4 years ago

      pennypanda
    • FUCK THIS WEATHER

      4 years ago

      pennypanda

      I hate this weather so fucking much right now.
      All possible driving routes between Michigan and Rochester, NY are closed because of the snow
      Which means that my weekend just opened up completely.

      Fuck this weather.

    • My Many Faces

      4 years ago

      pennypanda


      As anyone who has hung out with me for any length of time has probably come to realize, I make a lot of faces. Like, a lot. Generally they are when I think no one else is looking, or when there is a camera on me, but regardless, I think I do it more than I realize myself... I also tend to make squeaking noises from time to time, but that's a different issue completely

      Recently I have been making more faces than usual, and I wanted to share them with a little help from James Van Der Memes.

      This weekend (weather permitting) I am going to be taking the trek back to Rochester NY to visit the place I called home for 3 years, the Music Interest Floor, for their annual thanksgiving event. And I am so excited because I get to see so many people I love, eat great food, and enjoy the wonders of upstate New York in November (okay, that last one was a little sarcastic)

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      So while I am kind of bummed that I'll be missing the RT Michigan bowling shenanigans

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      I haven't been able to hide my excitement for this event.

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      So pretty much for the past week or so, I have been like this:

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      The anticipation is killing me and it's getting harder and harder to contain my excitement!!

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    • Seven Facts

      4 years ago

      pennypanda

      So since both @IanWG and @LillyBugLove both tagged me in this, I should actually sit down and think of seven things to say about myself.

      1) I get to go back to my alma mater this weekend for an event called MIFgiving (I lived on the Music Interest Floor and every year they throw a thanksgiving event for the music department and alum) and I am so excited to see all of my friends again and because it's my first time going! (it always conflicted with tech weeks in the past)

      2) My online moniker, pennypanda, actually came from camp when I was probably about 8 or 9 years old. They played the ice breaker game where everyone in the circle has to pick an animal with the same first letter as your name, so I went with panda. And sometime soon after that I got my first email address and chose to go with pennypanda

      3) My absolute favorite food in the world is Kraft mac and cheese. I completely understand that it's not really cheese, but it reminds me of childhood and makes me all warm and happy inside (also one of the few things I can actually cook..)

      4) I currently have 3 knitting projects going, all scarves, one is a birthday present for my brother that he won't actually get until next year (I'm making him the original Tom Baker scarf from Doctor Who) and I also have 2 more projects that I really need to start (a hat and an afghan)

      5) On a related note, I have decided that in my family when someone has a baby, my gift to them will be a baby blanket. My grandmother knitted blankets and hats and scarfs for everyone in our family, and I just want to do the same and carry on her tradition

      6) I currently have a case of Molson beer in my room from tailgating last Friday where everyone brought a case of beer (so we were all too drunk to actually play well when the time came) and so I brought back almost my entire case, and slowly I've been drinking it room-temperature because I keep forgetting to stick a few in the fridge.

      7) I love Earl Grey tea, with a passion.

      That's it for me. @Druyii, @ShelbyG, @Uberboard3, @MegaraNoelle, @SamWaldo your turn

  • Comments (290)

    • GuyfromUK

      9 years ago

      hey thx 4 asking, i was in the alps, your hike looked awesum!!

    • GuyfromUK

      9 years ago

      VIVA LA SUMMER!
      im off to continental europe for a few days ^ ^ so thats gunna be wicked!
      hows u?

    • GuyfromUK

      9 years ago

      hey, thanks for the request, hows it going?

    • Parkersaid RT + SA

      11 years ago

      Welcome to the RT community!

    • PaiganBoi

      11 years ago

      welocme to RT! hope you enjoy the site and forums.

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