sausagebacon

Male
from the drink machine on Tombstone

  • Activity

    • POOP

      12 years ago

      sausagebacon

      I just thought this e-mail of mine should be made into a journal


      WARNING: If you are eating or drinking, swallow befor reading on...
      HOW TO POOP AT WORK We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

      CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

      FLY BY:This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

      ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

      JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a mchine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

      COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

      WALK OF SHAME: Walking from ths stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

      OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

      THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

      SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominately of the opposte sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

      TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work, if this occurs, remain it the stall until the Turd Burglar aAleaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

      CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough tha alers all ne entrants into the bathroom tha you are iin a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

      ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will end all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

      WATERMELON: A Watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splah when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

      HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using the Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

      UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

    • Zen Sarcasm

      12 years ago

      sausagebacon

      Here is a list of slightly altered quotes-

      1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
      me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty
      much leave me the hell alone.

      2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and
      a leaky tire.

      3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
      neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

      4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

      5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
      promoted.

      6. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

      7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

      8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple
      of car payments.

      9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
      shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you
      have their shoes.

      10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

      11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
      fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

      12. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
      probably worth it.

      13. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

      14. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

      15. Don't worry; it only seems 'kinky' the first time.

      16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
      from bad judgment.

      17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
      put it back in your pocket.

      18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

      19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
      and it holds the universe together.

      20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

      21.. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
      moving.

      22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

      23. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

      24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butts.
      Then things get worse.

      25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
      laxative on the same night.

      26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

      27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
      seriously.

      28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
      make a big deal about your birthday... around age 11.

      29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

      30. No one is listening until you fart.

    • 2019 years ago

      sausagebacon
    • 2019 years ago

      sausagebacon
    • 2019 years ago

      sausagebacon
    • 2019 years ago

      sausagebacon
    • 2019 years ago

      sausagebacon
    • 2019 years ago

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    • 2019 years ago

      sausagebacon
  • Comments (344)

    • iamrock

      11 years ago

      Hey its linxlinxta new profile..add me please

    • Titanroller

      11 years ago

      Omg dude, you're actually on? Holy crap!

    • K0Z FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold The Tower XVI

      11 years ago

      Journal 100

    • Titanroller

      11 years ago

      Long time no see. Are you going to update the ranks and such for the tribes?

    • sarge1223

      11 years ago

      ya u r cool

    • sarge1223

      11 years ago

      hey i like sausage and bacon for breakfast too

    • K0Z FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold The Tower XVI

      12 years ago

      you can log back on sometime this year

    • Titanroller

      12 years ago

      Morning bro. 40 mods for you, which makes me a level 17. Party time! Peanut butter jelly time! smiley0.gif

      Post edited 7/09/07 4:38AM

    • cabose0693

      12 years ago

      hay man your cool

    • Titanroller

      12 years ago

      Correct me again and I shall beat you with a pocky stick.

    • Sheetsie4u

      12 years ago

      Predator vs Halo thread i think you might like this thread

    • Titanroller

      12 years ago

      P.S.- Update my rank. 10 mods added today. Rank of 13 baby! yeah.

      Cheers!

    • Titanroller

      12 years ago

      Hey bro, are you going to update the Tribes' site? It still says I'm a rookie smiley2.gif

      lol

    • exniner

      12 years ago

      correct my friend

    • rvbchurch09

      12 years ago

      what are skull points?

    • manvyduce12

      12 years ago

      k thnx

    • BAMFzim

      12 years ago

      im in

    • K0Z FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold The Tower XVI

      12 years ago

      ^_^

    • Titanroller

      12 years ago

      Hope the world's treating you well, and that your holiday was awesome. If you get the chance, update my member profile for the tribe. Thanks. smiley0.gif

    • rvbchurch09

      12 years ago

      ok, how do you get skulls. (and how do i join??)

    • S_T_A_N

      12 years ago

      well. I have played halo 3. played yesterday. and I think I realize that your not coming. julias was disappointed by that. he wanted to see the end of the movie.

    • rvbchurch09

      12 years ago

      is it joinable?

    • Lord_Necro

      12 years ago

      alright I will do what is needed to earn it then....and thanx again

    • Lord_Necro

      12 years ago

      and thanx

    • Lord_Necro

      12 years ago

      what goes in the tribe symbol spot

    • Lord_Necro

      12 years ago

      alright I will give u 80 mods in ur journal then

    • Lord_Necro

      12 years ago

      when is the best time to catch u online so I can by some skulls....

    • sephiroth109

      12 years ago

      yo is it cool if i join ur clan
      im a big fan of preds

    • RodTech

      12 years ago

      Yo SB,

      Do me favor. Vote for Deathhappens in this contest. I'll have to drop you a few mods for it.

      rvb.roosterteeth.com/members/journal/?uid=267058

      Thanks,

      Peace

    • S_T_A_N

      12 years ago

      ............./´¯/)...........(\¯`\
      ............/....//..............\\....\
      .........../....//................\\....\
      ...../´¯/..../´¯\.........../¯`\....¯`\
      .././.../..../..../.|_......_|.\....\....\....\..
      (.(....(....(..../.)..)..(..(.\....)....)....).)
      .\................\/.../....\...\/................/
      ..\................. /........\................../
      ....\..............(............)............../

      yeah. I went there

    • Halomate

      12 years ago

      i dont see anything about special skulls like th trex skull or i hate politics skull

    • Sargon17

      12 years ago

      there. +10 mods

    • Sargon17

      12 years ago

      where should i give you the mods?

    • Irishwolf111

      12 years ago

      i want to put necro up for the high council rep

    • Sargon17

      12 years ago

      Irishwolf told me that if we give u 10 mods, we get a skull. how do i give u the 10 so u know i gave them 2u?

    • Titanroller

      12 years ago

      I gave you some more mods again. Voltron, Level up!

    • FrameRunner1

      12 years ago

      yo dude irsh wolf referd me to joining your clan...bows down... so whatta do i have to do?

    • Gusman

      12 years ago

      congrats! you got the 30 mods!

    • Spartan439

      12 years ago

      Thank you very much Overload

    • Spartan439

      12 years ago

      O well then U asked you if I an join ur clan

    • Halomate

      12 years ago

      thanks for putting me in

    • S_T_A_N

      12 years ago

      Thin-de le'hasuan 'aloun'myin-del bpi-de gka-de hasou-de paya

    • K0Z FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold The Tower XVI

      12 years ago

      so everything will get better once you get rollin' again? that sounds good.


      Just keep
      rollin.jpg


      smiley6.gif

    • exniner

      12 years ago

      my too brother. Thats what made me think of my job. that story is based on where i work. exactly the same set up. just different names.

    • exniner

      12 years ago

      amen brother

    • exniner

      12 years ago

      ya? u like?

    • Halomate

      12 years ago

      sorry it took so long for me to get back to you but yes i would very much like to join the predator clan

    • tigercorpse

      12 years ago

      Yeah, sounds like a good idea. And I know I haven't got my card up, but I'm working on it.

    • Titanroller

      12 years ago

      Ok, soooooo now what do I do?

    • K0Z FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold The Tower XVI

      12 years ago

      have I ever done anything to make you missplace your trust in me?

  • Questions

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