thereaders

22 years old
Not Specified
from Vancouver, BC

  • Activity

    • Convention Season Personal Code Of Conduct

      3 years ago

      thereaders

      Hey friendship,


      We are currently two weeks away from RTX, I'll be in Austin two days be for that, and PAX will be rolling around two months later. I had an amazing time at both events last year, seeing my friends and being able to just sit and talk, face to face, no internet connection needed was an incredible experience, and I couldn't be more excited to do it again this year.


      Last years event had some rough patches for everyone, but there were many things that happened to me that I can only describe as violations of my well being. Some were intentional, and malicious, most weren't, but I feel as though everything would be a lot better if I let you all know ahead of time what kind of behavior makes me uncomfortable, and how best to approach and interact with me.


      1. DO NOT GRAB ME FROM BEHIND

      That really scares me and makes me uncomfortable. Please don't hug me from behind, grip my shoulders from behind, or wrap your arm around me from behind. If you see me and I'm not facing you please just tap me on the shoulder, or call out to me. Sneaking up on me might sound fun to you but it's terrifying for me.


      2. DO NOT MAKE '#_____LIVESMATTER' JOKES

      I don't think people fully understand how much fear runs through me every time I cross the border, my family as well. There are safety lessons, articles about how to conduct yourself around police officers, tearful hugs goodbye that, for all we know, could be the last time we see each other. If you rolled your eyes or scoffed at anything I just wrote you are exactly the problem. You don't understand that I do live in genuine fear that I will be killed while doing something as innocuous as walking from one hotel to the other. If you can't understand and respect that, please don't talk to me, ever.


      3. DO NOT POINT OUT THAT I'M BEING QUIET

      I'm not sure if there's a universe in which saying "Hey, you're awfully quiet" has resulted in someone wanting to talk more. If I'm quiet it's because I'm nervous, or uncomfortable, or exhausted.


      4. DO NOT FORCE ME INTO A HUG OR KISS ME WITHOUT MY PERMISSION

      If you want to hug me hold your arms out, let me walk into it. Don't grab me and force me against you. Also, don't kiss me. Not on the lips, not the cheek, not on the forehead, not anywhere. If I wanted to kiss you, you would know.


      5. IF YOU'RE NOT BLACK DON'T USE THE N WORD

      I could not care less that your 'other black friends' don't mind you saying it. I don't care if you're a non-black POC. Don't say it, end of discussion.


      These are really simple rules to follow, and I honestly don't think I'm asking for the moon here. In fact, I know I'm not. I need you to follow these rules if you want to see me, or spend any time with me. If you can't, then I don't want to see you, it's that simple.


      To those of you who do take the time to read this, and follow these rules I look forward to seeing you.


      Thank you.


      - Tasia


    • Ruined (An Update)

      3 years ago

      thereaders

      Last week something happened.


      I had a very severe emotional episode. I cut off several of my friends, I left them long, rambling messages about why it would be best if we never contacted one another. I blocked them on social media, all in what I believed to be, at the time, the smartest course of action in helping them and myself.


      For some reason I was convinced that they were using me, or that some of them hated me, or that they were better off without me, or in one case, that I was better off without them. I cut them off because I thought that by removing them from my life I would be happy, and so would they.


      It's only now that I realize what a horrible idea that was, the few days before I came back to myself were some of the loneliest of my entire life. It was instant regret, but I also had no way of fixing things. Not without spilling my guts to all of them, and trying to explain the storm cloud I was under during that time would make me sound crazy. Seriously, what was I supposed to say "Hey, so yesterday you ignored me in chat so I made in assumption that you think that I'm garbage and are just using me, ha! Hope we're still cool"? No, I decided to just suck it up and be alone.


      But I missed them, I missed them so fucking much.

      I don't talk to people very often. Honestly there are only two people I talk to regularly, and I had just royally fucked up with one of them. I had absolutely no idea how to go about solving, I still don't. The majority of the people I messaged are essentially lost causes, there's no way I'll ever be able to fix those relationships, but with a few of them I was desperate to make things better.


      So of course I made things worse.


      I sent all of them just the most embarrassing, pathetic, desperate messages. Apologizing for everything and absolutely begging for them to forgive me. They all said they do, but honestly if they truly don't, I don't blame them at all.



    • 3 years ago

      thereaders
    • Rumble

      3 years ago

      thereaders

      I'm really nervous for this new RR tourney, last time I wasn't running it so I could just ignore it and ask someone if we won, now I have to really pay attention and it's terrifying. Good expireince, though.

    • Solitude

      3 years ago

      thereaders

      I know that the way to get people to care about you is to make friends, and I know that the way to make friends is to talk to people and build a relationship, but I can't do that.


      I'm terrible at talking to people, having conversations, being interesting. I just don't have anything to offer people. I'm not smart, I'm not funny, I'm not witty, and I'm not insightful. I'm just not someone people want to talk to, and certainly not someone people want to be friends with.


      The thing is, I like being alone. Talking to people is upsetting, and stressful,and interrupts things I could be doing, like not talking to people. Yet at the same time, I'm very lonely, and I ache for close personal relationships. I think maybe I've yet to acclimate to my new personality.

      Year ago I could talk to people for hours, with no issue. It was fun, it was easy, I loved every bit of it. Now, I'm relived when people stop trying to get me to message them. I feel so much more calm when I'm not talking to people.


      But somehow, that doesn't make me feel good, I feel alone.


      I am alone.

    • Places And People In My Dreams

      3 years ago

      thereaders

      Every night for the past week my dreams have been filled with memories.


      I'm either in the complex I grew up in, or my Elementary school, or some random place, with kids I went to school with. And it's not even just old friends, it's not even MOSTLY old friends. There are kids who were in my sister classes in the grade above me. Kids who were 2-5 years older than me who I almost never spoke to. Kids who bullied me, kids who were on sports teams with me, or lived in my complex. It's just all sorts of people who I wasn't even that close with.


      I think because even before I dropped out of high school, I didn't attend many classes. I skipped so much that I don't really have too many (good) memories of high school. All my strongest memories are firmly rooted in my elementary years, with people who barely remember me. I can't imagine any of them would be able to say I've even crossed their minds.


      It's really difficult to realize how little impact you have on people who have had such a huge impact on you.

    • RE: Exclusion, Alternate Accounts, and Communication

      3 years ago

      thereaders

      Hi guys,


      Okay so obviously we have some things to discuss. If you didn't see Nadine, as well as Eddie's posts from earlier, the long and the short of it is people are feeling excluded. We are a group, within a community, with sub groups, romantic partners, and yes, people who are closer than others, and yes perhaps (at least after today) some people who simply do not like each other.


      The problem was this: Because of these inner groups, people were feeling excluded. It's not hard to imagine, if you're not in one of the aforementioned groups it's incredibly easy to feel left out. It's also easy to ignore people if you are in one of those groups, without thinking or being malicious about it.


      It's a problem


      So what's the solution to this problem?


      You might say 'more communication, obviously!' but it isn't always that simple. We are all interacting online, a platform that is based solely on what you have access to, and when. Game Nights are a great idea, as long as everyone has the same game, on the same console, and actually WANTS to play it. Movie Nights are a lot of fun for people who can stay up, and perhaps take initiative in a group of people they may not be all that familiar with. But if you're console-less, or shy, or already feeling left out, these things may not be that accessible to you.


      So then their's admins (like myself), ideally, we should be creating a lot of spaces for people to interact (After streams, twitch bunkers, Discord etc.) and we try, but we're humans, we have lives, and we have flaws. We aren't always great at these things. But we've had to learn to be, because we've decided to lead this group. I know you all expect us to be the leaders, and I know as Admins it's our roles, but that doesn't mean we're going to do it flawlessly, that doesn't mean we might not need a reminder, or a push.


      So, ideally. We will be trying our hardest to go back to where we began. Start fostering a more inclusive atmosphere, and in that way, do the same. I apologize to anyone who feels as though we haven't.


      Now, concerning alternate accounts:


      They exist, they are not always flattering to everyone.They are places where people go to vent, as we all know, venting can be rather cruel, but emotions aren't exactly a gentle breeze. For some people, they are the only places where a person might feel safe, and secure.

      THEY ARE PRIVATE.

      THEY ARE SAFE PLACES

      If you share what you see on them with someone who isn't following them, you are betraying someone's trust (even if you think that person has a right to know)

      I know it hurts like hell to see someone say negative things about you, I can only advise that you try to keep in mind that people need places to vent.


      I don't really know what else to say, except that I hate when people leave this group. It happens a lot, and it's usually because of a fixable problem


      I really hope this is one of those types of problems.


      I am always, always here to talk to people who need to talk (even if I say I'm not). So if anyone wants to talk about what's going on (even if it's to yell at me and call me names and tell me I'm a shitty admin, you can message me here, on twitter, or anonymously on askfm.


      Thank you. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays


      - Tasia

    • RE: Christmas Cards

      3 years ago

      thereaders

      This is a notice that I have decided to cancel sending out Christmas Cards.


      I have been desperately trying for weeks to find the energy to write these cards and it's just not in me. I'm sorry. There are so many things I want to say to each of you individually. So many 'thank yous' and declarations of love. So many thoughts and feelings I want to express, none of which I currently have the energy to write down. You've all helped me through the most difficult year (or more) of my life and I owe you everything but I just can't do it right now.


      That being said, if you happen to receive a holiday card in say...March, don't be too surprised.


      Again, I am so sorry.


      - Tasia xoxxo

    • Thanks

      3 years ago

      thereaders

      So today is my mothers birthday, and last night I went into her room to talk to her. I wanted to wish her a happy birthday, but I also wanted to apologize for not being able to get her a present. I felt so terribly guilty about not being able to get her anything, because I truly feel like she deserves everything in the world. I got emotional, I started crying, and my mom just held me.

      She told me how proud she was of me for taking care of myself the past 6 months, and that she knows how difficult its been for me. She said she was happy that I've been keeping such high spirits, and not shutting myself off as usual. She said I was becoming a wonderful adult, and learning the skills to care for myself that will help put me through life.

      But the thing is, I'm not caring for myself.

      You guys are.

      Everything I have now, every meal I've eaten, or shirt I've put on. Every time I turn on the water in my house, it's all because of you. I was living a destitute existence and each of you, lent me a hand. Not all in monetary ways, but still in ways that are extremely important and resonate with me.

      I honestly cannot thank you enough. I love you all.

      - Tasia

    • 3 years ago

      thereaders
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