A few months ago, I made a post telling y'all that I'm asexual and gay. Today I have something else to tell you. Although I doubt any of you have looked at my profile since the website change, if you did you would notice something different besides the layout and general new site goodness. Where my gender is listed, it now reads "other" instead of "female". This is because I have discovered over the past few months that I am not female (although a part of me still is).
I'm not quite sure how to label it, because I find it hard to define my gender myself. I just know how to describe how I feel, for that is the way I determined this in my own mind. On some days, I feel female for the most part. I feel entirely comfortable with my body and am at home in whatever clothes I want to wear, from my normal casual t-shirt and jeans to dresses or skirts (today is one of those days). Then there are other times when something shifts, from day to day, hour to hour, or minute to minute. I don't ever notice the change as it is happening, I only notice it afterwards, but it feels like a dial has been turned to a different setting. In those moments, hours, days, I don't feel female. I feel pretty much neutral. I feel not like a girl, but not like a boy either. I just feel like me, Aidan. At those times I am not entirely comfortable with my body. When I look in the mirror I feel like my breasts shouldn't be there. I want to bind my breasts so that they are smaller. I contemplate what it would be like to have been born as a boy. I feel uncomfortable in dresses to the point of almost crying and feel most at home in either my normal casual clothes or some sort of blazer/bow tie/suspenders ensemble. I want to shop in the guys section of the store. I feel weird when someone calls me a woman.
Yesterday, I experienced one of those shifts. I was shopping with my aunt. We went into Macy's and I bought four fairly feminine articles of clothing which I love. Once we left that store and started walking through the rest of the mall, the shift happened. I wasn't able to buy anything else that day. Nothing else appealed to me because we only went into the girl's section of the stores, and I wanted to go into the guy's section and buy things I would feel comfortable in that moment. I almost cried because I couldn't (my aunt would not have understood why I wanted to shop there and I would definitely have not been able to buy those clothes).
I'm not really suffering because of this. I'm comfortable waiting until college when I'll have more freedom and be able to buy a binder or two and some button up shirts and bow ties and other menswear items so that I could feel comfortable in my body and my clothes no matter how I feel about my gender on any given day. A lot of my clothes are t-shirts and jeans, so I have some more gender-neutral stuff to wear on days when I feel more that way. Most of my days are in-between days. I'll feel comfortable in whatever clothes but still want to bind my breasts, for example.
Nothing needs to change in how you treat me or address me. I'm keeping my name (which is gender-neutral already! thanks mom and dad!) because I love it. I'm still comfortable with she/her pronouns (although I am also comfortable with they/them pronouns so if you want to use those when referring to me that's great). I'm still the same person. I always was this person, I just had never thought in depth about this part of me before. If I had to give myself a label it would be non-binary or genderflux (a form of genderfluid). I know some of this stuff may be new to many of you, so I'm going to make a post about various gender identities in the next few days so that y'all aren't confused.
On this site, I strive to be the most authentic version of myself that I can. That's why I make posts like these, revealing parts of me that, honestly, a lot of people I talk to at school or in my family don't know about (in this case just my best friend knows). The atmosphere in this community gives me the courage to be that authentic version of me. To be Aidan in their truest form. Because I am who I am, and no one can change that by force or without my consent. And I want you to know that person. I want y'all to know who I truly am. As always...