wordsmith12

20 years old
from Marietta, GA

  • Activity

    • ...Won't Hold You Down (part 2)

      4 years ago

      wordsmith12

      Continued from part 1

      I let myself slip into the world of fiction and art more and more, as there was nowhere else for me to go, nothing else I saw worth immersing myself in. I discovered my passion for sci-fi and fantasy. I discovered that the music I had never gotten to listen to before was beautiful in ways I had never known. My days were no less lonely, my nights no less tumultuous, but my brain gradually began devoting more time to dreams of the magnificent and beautiful and less to dreams of black.I started going to church and Sunday school again, and had an up-close and personal religious experience that was the final push my dark thoughts needed to get away from me for now (for the most part).

      When I got to high school, I finally made some true friends. I discovered my sexual orientation and began to learn more about diversity and grew more accepting of everyone. I no longer felt so lonely all the time, although the feeling was still very much there. I discovered my passion for Spanish, and my completely unrelated passion for CAD. I started writing poetry and began exploring a new world of words that had been completely foreign beforehand. I, slowly, was becoming happy.

      One day a few months ago, I looked back on the past few years of my life and realized how different of a person that scared twelve-year-old girl was from the person I am today. Instead of greeting this realization with a smile, I broke down in tears. I had grown up without my mother there to see it. I was taller than her now. I was smarter. I had new interests. I was afraid that my mother wouldn't like me if she were alive. I was also scared of who that person would be if she were alive.

      Shortly afterwards, I started to talk to some people on the site. The crushing loneliness left me completely, and I finally found happiness. Yet there is no "happy ending" yet. I have had several teary breakdowns in 2015 alone. Other people dying (Monty), people leaving (Ray), these still trigger thoughts of her. I still never go to sleep unless I am legitimately tired for fear of those dark thoughts again. Mommy still has no grave. But I'm okay. Somehow, through all of this, I'm okay.

      I'll never "move on" from this. Death is not something you move on from. It's something you move with. You run together across the hours and days and years, sometimes fleeing one another, sometimes walking side by side, sometimes just jogging along a good ways apart. But as long as you keep moving and live your life, those events, those pasts, will never be able to hold you for long. And so I will keep growing, keep running, and keep smiling. Through it all, I know that I will continue to be. And that is the greatest comfort I could ever hope for.

      Best Wishes,
      Aidan smiley12.gif

    • Broken Wings...(Part 1)

      4 years ago

      wordsmith12

      As you may know, I try to be as honest about my life as I can on here. There is not much that I see a point in hiding, and I want y'all to know the real me. However, there is one thing, one major thing, that I have never mentioned but once in a journal on here, and never in depth. Those among you who I talk to often on Skype have heard about this, but for the rest of you...here is the story of how my life got turned on its head. Of how I became the person I am today. This is the source of most of the times I've cried, every time I've broken into pieces. And this is the reason why I am stronger today than I ever imagined I could be four years ago.


      My mother was a beautiful woman. She stayed at home to raise my sister and I and taught us everything that we didn't learn in school. She coached my robotics team and helped us to become a family. She was silly sometimes and serious in others, all in the right moments. She was my rock, my best friend. I couldn't imagine life without her.

      On November 5, 2011 my mom had a seizure on our family room couch. I was confused and shocked and scared, and by the time the ambulance came and took her away after I whispered "I love you" I was starting to cry. I was 12 at the time. My head had confused seizure with stroke and I was terrified. That night I stayed across the street at my neighbors. The next day I got to go back home, and my father told my sister and I that Mommy had had a brain aneurysm (internal bleeding in the brain). He told us to have hope, but that if she came home she wouldn't be the same Mommy. I didn't care how she came back. I just wanted her home.

      For two weeks my sister and I were in and out of our neighbor's house as my father spent his nights at the hospital. My mother had been put into a coma to help her heal after surgery. My dad didn't want my sister and I to see her this way, so we never went to visit her in the hospital. One Saturday, my grandma (Moomoo), my sister, and I went to the grocery store. When we came home, three of my aunts and my father were home. They sat us down on the couch and, through choking sobs, my father told us that Mommy was dying. We cried a lot that day. Moomoo was losing a daughter. My aunts were losing a sister-in-law. My father was losing his wife. And my sister and I were losing our mother. We were all losing Lydia. Afterwards, when our eyes were as dry as they could be given the circumstances, I asked my dad if I could go see her in the hospital to say goodbye and my father agreed. But the next morning I learned that I was too late.

      On November 19, 2011 at 10:30 PM my mother died.

      I felt like my world had ended. Like someone was reaching into my chest and squeezing my heart until it could barely keep its form. Like I was floating in a stormy ocean without an anchor. There will never be enough metaphors to describe how it felt to lose her. I cried myself to sleep that night. And the next. And she would never be able to comfort me. I cried as we said prayers at Thanksgiving the following Thursday, without her there with us. I cried at a Christmas that felt strangely empty. I wanted nothing more than to have her with me, to sink into her embrace and know that I was loved and that she was there for me to love. But that is something I could not have.

      I have always feared death, the apocalypse, etc. Normal stuff that it is perfectly rational to fear. Knowing that Mommy was gone pushed all of that into the worst sort of perspective. I started crying myself to sleep several times a week, my brain filled with dark black thoughts of death and nothingness and a fear of not being, a fear of her not being. There were moments where I wondered if it would be easier just to let myself not be, see what it was like. Maybe I would be less scared then. When the sun rose things were better but not by much. My ever-present loneliness leaped into the foreground with my other fears, and I felt like an invisible ghost that no one cared to hunt for most of my school days. I had "friends", some of which I am still friends with today, but they didn't comfort me when I lost my mom (because they were middle-schoolers who didn't know how) and that drew a sort of void between us. They were on the side where the sun shone and I was on the side where shadows danced and I never knew when darkness would hit next.

      Continued in part 2

    • YAY! THANK YOU!

      4 years ago

      wordsmith12

      My sponsorship suddenly got renewed and I don't know who did it or why but thank you to whoever did comment below and you will receive infinite gratitude and hugs and I'll write something for you if you want.

      I'm so glad that I won't miss out on RT Pub Quiz and other cool stuff.

      Thank you, whoever you are.

      Best Wishes.
      Aidan smiley12.gif

    • My Sponsorship Expires Later Today

      4 years ago

      wordsmith12

      So long to sponsor chat and RT Pub Quiz and RT Radio and live podcasts and having a star by my name. It was awesome while it lasted.

      Best Wishes,
      Aidan smiley12.gif

    • Help Someone Out!

      4 years ago

      wordsmith12

      Hey y'all,

      @TyBracamonte is in a pretty rough spot right now and he needs some donations to keep doing what he loves: making content. I do not have a credit card and therefore cannot donate, so this is all I can do to help him out. Please, if you have the money to spare, please help him out.

      www.gofundme.com/tbads4

      If you donate please comment below and I may be able to write something for you (based off whatever prompt you want just nothing innapropriate) if you want in appreciation. Just please please donate.

      Best Wishes,
      Aidan smiley12.gif

    • Hello. I am Aidan.

      4 years ago

      wordsmith12

      I love to learn.
      I read every day and it is one of my favorite things to do.
      I have spent seven years of my life building robots.
      I am passionate.
      I am empathetic, so much so that I get embarrassed for fictional characters (especially ones from TV).
      I have never been kissed.
      I am asexual.
      I want to marry a woman someday.
      I have no "dream woman" in my head, and I'm not quite sure why.
      I am self conscious about my body.
      I cried the first time I tried on a bikini because of this.
      I miss my mother.
      I am a hopeless romantic.
      I cannot imagine myself in any hopelessly romantic situations.
      I love football, despite living in a country that highly emphasizes its own game under the same name.
      I felt crushingly alone almost every moment of my life before joining this site.
      I still feel alone a lot but nowhere near as much.
      I like not talking for long periods of time.
      I feel awkward in a lot of social situations.
      I love dancing with with myself.
      I love dancing but I can't do it well.
      I am perfectly fine with being a wallflower.
      I like people watching.
      I'm introverted.
      I feel like liking being a wallflower and such contributes to my loneliness.
      I am fine with being alone, just not fine feeling lonely.
      I adore music.
      I sing along to every song I can because I enjoy it.
      I wish I was a better singer.
      I write poetry. If I'm not writing at least a poem a month or more something is wrong.
      I fear death.
      I want to wear bow ties and blazers and menswear but can't due to familial opinions.
      I want to go to space.
      I really miss my mom.
      I hate receiving more than I can give.
      I feel like my relationship with my girlfriend is nearing an end.
      I want to be in college already.
      I'm a huge nerd.
      I dream too much.
      I expected this list to be this long or longer.
      I try my best not to hide behind the mask of a person who isn't myself.

      This became very rambly but I like it.

      Best Wishes,
      Aidan smiley12.gif

    • Something My Dad Said This Morning

      4 years ago

      wordsmith12

      Me: I'm awake!
      Dad: Great! Happy April 16!
      Dad: On this day in 1242, nothing happened.

    • Stream Time!

      4 years ago

      wordsmith12

      @Keanu is back with a GTA V Heists stream featuring @Ken, @XCalante, @Alexis__, and maybe @LethalMomma. So come hang out and have fun! www.twitch.tv/rt_kvondee

    • Song I Have on Repeat Right Now #1

      4 years ago

      wordsmith12

      Warning: Minor Spoilers for The Way He Looks/Hoje Eu Quero Voltar Sozinho
      Every once in a while, as most people do, I put a song on repeat and listen to that song alone for about a day or so. I've decided to write a journal whenever this happens and tell you a bit about the song, how I first heard it, and why I have it on repeat.
      Today's song is "There's Too Much Love" by Belle & Sebastian. The song came out in 2000 on their album Fold Your Hands Child, You Walk Like a Peasant. Belle & Sebastian formed in 1996 in Glasgow and is still making music today. They recently released another album. I have not yet listened to any of their music except for this one song.
      peasant.jpg
      Belle_and_Sebastian_British_Band.jpeg
      I found this song because of a short film I found on Tumblr a few years back. Eu Não Quero Voltar Sozinho is Brazilian short film about a blind boy named Leo who falls in love with his best friend Gabriel. The short met critical and popular praise, so a full feature length film called Hoje Eu Quero Voltar Sozinho was released. I was sad that I was unable to find a way to watch this film upon its release, but when browsing last week Netflix I found that it was on there under the English title The Way He Looks and was ecstatic. As soon as I could I watched the movie and loved it. It was beautiful and sweet and mad me feel at peace and happy. In one scene, Gabriel teaches Leo how to dance. And the song they dance to is "There's Too Much Love" by Belle & Sebastian. (Before I move on I seriously recommend this film it's stellar).
      Hoje-Eu-Quero-Voltar-Sozinho.jpg
      "There's Too Much Love" is about not wanting to let someone know you are in love with them but finally letting go and letting them know. The instrumental background is repetitive and acoustic, with background singers, violin, piano, and a light cymbal. The beat makes the song the sort that you rock back and forth to while dancing. The song overall has a happy and cheery tone, while still feeling soft and calm. Here are the lyrics:


      I could hang about and burn my fingers
      I've been hanging out here waiting for something to start
      You think I'm faultless to a 'T'
      My manner set impeccably
      But underneath I am the same as you

      I could dance all night like I'm a soul boy
      But you know I'd rather drag myself across the dance floor
      I feel like dancing on my own
      Where no one knows me and where I
      Can cause offense just by the way I look

      And when I come to blows
      When I am numbering my foes
      Just hope that you are on my side, my dear

      But it's best to finish as it started
      With my face head down just staring at the brown Formica
      It's safer not to look around
      I can't hide my feelings from you now
      There's too much love to go around these days

      You say I've got another face
      That's not a fault of mine these days
      I'm brutal, honest and afraid of you
      It's safer not to look around
      There's no hiding my feelings from you now
      There's too much love to go around these days

      You say I've got another face
      That's not a fault of mine these days
      I'm honest, brutal and afraid of you

      source: www.metrolyrics.com/theres-too-much-love-lyrics-belle-and-sebastian.html

      I'm listening to this song on repeat because it makes me happy. It is a very sweet love song and makes me think of what is now one of my favorite movies. The song generates a sort of wistful mood in me, for that happy feeling when you are in a relationship and everything feels right and you couldn't bear to let yourself want anything less, for the peace that comes with that happiness. In the most descriptive of terms, this song feels like running down a forest path and then dancing in a field in the spring sunlight and breeze with someone you love. That feeling is amazing. I hope some of y'all listen to this song and get that feeling as well.

      Best Wishes,
      Aidan smiley12.gif

    • On Clothing

      4 years ago

      wordsmith12

      On Easter Sunday I felt beautiful in a dress for the first time in I can't remember how long. I felt free and majestic and badass In most dresses I feel limp and not beautiful and just not right. But for some reason in this dress I felt at home in my own body.
      LsxHGr7.jpg
      Today I put together an outfit that wasn't a t-shirt and jeans for the first time in a good while. And I felt beautiful and at home in my own body once more. I love blazers. They make me feel secure and happy.
      D7MlBsy.jpg
      These are the only two instances of me feeling happy because of the clothes I have on for as long as I can remember. I only own that one dress that I feel comfortable in, and the blazer I have on is the only one which has ever hung in my closet. To me, clothing should be more about how you feel while wearing it than what people think of you because of what you are wearing. In the past several years I have been wearing clothes more for comfort than for looks. T-shirt and jeans with combat boots and a hoody has been my go to outfit since middle school. But I want a change. I've been realizing over the past several months that t-shirt and jeans and hoody isn't really me. I want to start wearing nicer things, such as blazers and bow ties and dresses I actually feel good in. Things like:
      tumblr_mxymmwwCOG1sq4i88o4_500.jpg
      tumblr_mzh3cm3VqQ1qdjgjyo1_500.jpg
      tumblr_nh272gkBhv1re9vyto1_500.jpg
      tumblr_nhom1vosFT1u3vew7o1_1280.jpg
      tumblr_n1jmeoZFVE1reo5bno1_1280.jpg
      tumblr_nmcjydPor91r1r36go1_500.jpg

      Looking at the fashion blogs these pictures came from was the first time that I've seen a woman and thought "Hey, I want to be standing where she is standing in what she is wearing". This is the first time I've been able to look at a woman and think "I want to be her". And it's an amazing feeling.

      I actually care about fashion now. Whenever I see a tie or a vest or a blazer I start building an outfit around it in my head. I'm starting to love coordinating colors. I've never cared about fashion before. But now I've found clothes that actually feel worth caring about.

      Unfortunately I cannot yet wear these clothes due to budget and my maternal figure aunts being conservative. But these clothes are now part of my general image of my ideal future. Once I can afford and buy and wear clothing like the stuff above, I will be much happier with my life. I can't wait for that day

      TL;DR
      I just want to wear menswear okay don't judge me please.

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