x_Rach_x

Female
from Bay of Islands New Zealand

  • Activity

    • Fucking shit day

      13 years ago

      x_Rach_x

      Do you know what its like to be an outlet of peoples pain?to be treated like nobody with no respect? To be told to fuck off by your own family just because your not old enought or cool enough to be with them. To be permeantly hated by so many people that only you can feel sorry for yourself cause no one else will. That even when you try your hardest its not good enough for your parents, because you lack confidence in classes. To be discriminated for everything you do all the time. Can i help lacking confidence when all through my school life ive been told im ugly and a bitch to people that i don't even know. One time i wanted to cut my face because i felt so ugly, family tell me that im pretty and shit but you know theyre your family they have to say that, No one else finds me attractive ive been rejected by soo many guys its not funny, if its not the looks then it must be my fucked up personality. most of the time i have to do idiotic things to draw attantion to myself because no-one will notice me. I feel like nothing, soo invisible that the only time some-one notices me is because some malicious thing or some bitch wants to smash me for no reason. I dont know what i do to deserve this pain, i know i may lash out at ppl or make stupid comments. Its because i feel so much pain i dont know what to do and i dont know how to carry myself. I want to kill myself sometimes so that i dont have to live through this, why can't i be normal and have a normal life. Instead of being ashamed of what i look like and how i feel. Like i told my sister some of my deepest darkest secrets and you know what she did? she gave me soo much shit for it, like i was some mental patient. I cry, but i know that i should'nt ive been raised that crying is weakness and that if you cry then your just a soppy pitiful creature. All ive been for friends is an outlet for their cruelty and problems. i try to help them as best as i can you know but when i get shit splattered and cant control my anger they get angry at me about it. What am i meant to do just say im fine and ok then kill myself the next day because of it. Like i was just starting to feel good about myself and actually gain confidence then i get told that someone around the school said that i asked out this dude to the ball to his face and that he said he'd rather die than go with me (this dude i kinda like) How the fuck am i meant to feel!!! Fucking awesome i suppose. I was crying by the time i got home because i was soo angry and hurt, my sister said whats wrong? and i told her and you know what she said? it was your fault in the first place for telling friends who you like I TRUSTED THESE PEOPLE!!!!!! FUCK!!! god that made me feel so much better knowing that the whole cause of this was my fault.. I HATE MYSELF SOOOO MUCH!!! cause whenever i tell someone something it always comes back to fuck me over. I cant trust anyone at all because all they do it hurt my feelings and make me hate myself soo much more they make me believe i have soo many things wrong with me, maybe i should just die and see if there is a better place than this hell i endure.

    • Day of Mourning

      13 years ago

      x_Rach_x

      My beloved grandad died yesterday around 3:00-3:30am yesterday after a year struggling with liver cancer. He was such a strong proud man that it was hard seeing him in the state that he was in. I would never forget my last moments with him as he lay in the hospice bed. He called for me while i was out in the lounge getting something to drink, he told me to come closer to him so that he could talk to me. I pulled the chair right next to his bed and his cool, large frail hand grasped mine. He stroked my hand with his thumb and asked me in a weak raspy voice if i was happy. I looked into his clear blue eyes and nodded my head for the answer yes because the sobs i was trying to control strangled my words. Then fat tears started building up and then fell down my cheeks as i changed my mind to no. He said you should be happy your grandads going to a better place very soon, i couldn't control myself, my chest heaved as my heart tried to cope with the pain of his words. i looked at his tired worn face and said you know im a sook and that i can't stop crying. All he said was that my darling little girl is here with me over and over. I stared at him for what seemd like an eternity and he drifted off into sleep. i untangled my hand with his and left the room to deal with how the outcome of his death would change my life. My dad said it was time to leave, i kissed his cracked lips and gave him an awkward hug and said goodbye, not knowing it would be the last time i would see him alive. As our car left the hospice i felt guilty and empty as if some part of me knew that i wouldn't see him again.

      June 22nd
      Bright lights shinning and the sound of things being moved hurriedly woke me from a deep sleep, my mum barked at me asking where my cellphone was. I mumbled that i didn't know and she said in a louder voice that she needed it to ring my brother to tell him that grandad had died. I froze in shock and disbelief, rolling her statement around in my head. I didn't know how to react so i just lay there until my mum came back from going down to the club to ring my brother (the dummy had forgotten to pay the phone bill so we had been temporarily disconnected). When she came back and i spoke to her and a wave of sadness flooded over me and i couldn't stop for awhile. But then i got prepared to go shopping for something to wear to the funeral and after four sessions of crying and countless fights with my mum, i thought i could cope with tommorrow when we went to see his body.

      23 June (today)

      We were late as usual as we all got ready to go to the beach (my nana's and grandads house) to see him and the family. I had been holding up well considering i had never seen a dead body before and was nervous and scared about seeing one esepecially my grandad. At around 10:30am the hearse arrived, i couldnt bear seeing the coffin being wheeled into the room so i looked away. i became more nervous as one by one they went to see him, i finally summoned the courage to go see him. What i saw shocked and upset me, he looked nothing like the cheeky character i had always known and loved. His face was gaunt and his lips looked stretched, i couldn't help but cry like i had never cried before. My mother held me in her arms to comfort me as i bawled inconsolably, his death struck me to me to reality that he really was gone, that i would never beable to share the little chats we had or take the boat and go fishing. I will always cherish those memories of the times we shared and i know that through these memories he will live on. The only regret i have is not telling him one last time that i loved him and that i would miss him, my one and only Grandad.

    • Thoughts of the Day

      13 years ago

      x_Rach_x

      Do you ever have those days when you feel your a piece of the background, that no one knows that you exist. When you feel incomplete and your emotions are teettering on the edge, and all you can think about is why am i alive? Why am i suffering from this invisible puzzle that holds me in its prison. Did i do something to deserve this, a sin that i must pay for with my sanity. Or is it a figment of my imagination, something conjured up by restless thoughts and self-pity. The intensity of their hatred burns my soul, sears it until it withers into ashes. Where has the love for life gone? Whats happened to the turbulent feeling of happiness that bubbles up in my system? All i know is that its left me to ache for it until tears well up in my eyes. I hate these feelings, i HATE feeling that im not good enough for this world. But most of all i hate the people that have fucked with my head and made me question myself. They've changed me into someone that i dont want to be....Who i am now. I know that i can only change myself to who i want to be, discard all the SHIT that ive been through a begin anew. When will this will happen? i dont know, for all that could happen i could just give up and end my life with regrets. But that would be the cowards way out and i dont want to be a coward.

    • 2019 years ago

      x_Rach_x
    • 2019 years ago

      x_Rach_x
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      x_Rach_x
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  • About Me

  • Comments (25)

    • Scotish_Fury

      11 years ago

      so wot part in the bay do you live

    • adie

      13 years ago

      yo wassup

    • adie

      13 years ago

      so wassup?

    • GeneraI_Beef

      13 years ago

      I swear this profile seems familiar....

    • adie

      13 years ago

      hey so hows new zealand

    • Silver_Wolf

      13 years ago

      Where in the boI do u live

    • adie

      13 years ago

      do u have an email adress???

    • IAmAMinority

      13 years ago

      Do you have aim or msn or yahoo? If not, then what's up?

    • DGdonut

      13 years ago

      hey hey how are you?do you have msn

    • hellseye

      13 years ago

      anymore questions

    • rachie_rev

      13 years ago

      good to see another rachEL on here... dont you hate it when teachers spell it wrong and itson teh roll... my doctor spells it wrong!

    • Maxx_Payne

      13 years ago

      Cool! Those are some fun pics!

    • adie

      13 years ago

      HEY DONT WORRY IAM SCARY MOVIE FAN AS WELL!!!!
      AND I DONT LIKE RAZOR BLADES AS WELL BECAUSE I CUT MY FINGER ONE TIME AND IT WOULDNT STOP BLEEDING
      BY THE WAY MY NAME IS JAMIE AND I THINK UR COOL

    • Maxx_Payne

      13 years ago

      Hope you dont mind the add request....hope you're feeling better....

    • black_roze

      13 years ago

      upload some pictures of yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew ^_^!

    • GeneraI_Beef

      13 years ago

      hmmmm, where abouts in NZ you from?

    • Amplufyed

      13 years ago

      Yo! Black_Roze sent me here. Welkum to RvB~!

    • EXOskeleton

      13 years ago

      welcome to the site...im one of black rozes friends...check out my pictures.....again welcome and yes im english with an english accent

    • JeffSon

      13 years ago

      Welcome to the site!

    • Bladeshift

      13 years ago

      hey there. tash told me one of her friends had signed up so i came to check out your profile.

      you sounds like a cool person, hope you dont mind if i send in a friend request

    • Death_vortex

      13 years ago

      Hey im a freind of black roze too, welcome to RvB :-)

    • weirdz

      13 years ago

      hey, im a friend of a friend of black_roze, and well, welcome to RT girl, hope u have fun here!

    • Wheelz_TTV

      13 years ago

      Welcome!

    • black_roze

      13 years ago

      wellllllllllllllllllcome to the site racccccccch! I hope you make lots of friends. dont forget to fill out your profile so people know who you arrrrre *Pokes* I hope you have fun here ^_^

  • Questions

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