I just went on a little block fest on social media and phone numbers... ex would've owed me 260€ still, but for him to pay it back would take like 11 months.... so I'm letting it slide so I can be done with this BS. finally got to block and remove all his contact info. >___>
I was planning to see him, tell him face to face that he don't have to pay it, that I never want to see his face again or hear his voice or hear about him or his name.
But what use could've that been? It's been very obvious, long before our breakup too, that he didn't and especially now doesn't want me in his life. At all. In any way. He said we could be friends, but does he ever contact me about anything? No... It's been on my shoulders to do that, and to fret over whether he can pay the debt or not. (Long story short, something was bought in part payment, for him but in my name, and after breaking up with me he agreed to keep paying it but I'm hecking done.)
So to go see him would've just hurt ME. And besides, he would've just found excuses not to see me anyway. So eh.
I was tempted to let him know about the blocking and stuff... But what use could've that been either? He doesn't care.
That's what I keep repeating to myself whenever my mind has the rudeness to remind me of him. He doesn't care. He doesn't care. He hasn't in ages. Remember that, Laura. He doesn't care.
I did type him a message. 3 words. You can guess what those are. Right after I blocked his number, and removed it. I'm bad at remembering numbers, and as far as I can recall, I haven't written it down anywhere.
After that, I spent about 40 minutes crying. It was both a relief and the most horrible thing I've done in a while. Relief, because I can finally put this shit behind me and move forward.
What sucks is that he now lives in our old hometown again, where my family is as well. I've told mom I can't visit them in a while, especially around the holidays.
Though I'm sad and miserable right now, I also feel ... calmer. Determined. Slightly lighter. The break up was for the best, for both of us. I have to keep reminding myself of that as well, and a part of me knows it's true. That I've finally taken the step to remove him from my life... is for the best as well.
Slowly, I can move forward.
And I know THIS is not the best way to deal with this, not the healthiest in the slightest... but when I'm playing Warframe and the like, I imagine the enemies are our memories together. I want them erased. I want to pretend the past 9 years didn't exist. For now, it's the only way I can imagine to help me survive. (Link is a crappy 'poem' I wrote yesterday.) Besides cliches about time healing the wounds and all. xD So yeah, I don't want his name or very existence to be mentioned, I don't want to see his face, I don't want to think about the past at all.
Anyway, on an unrelated note, I'm going to travel a little later today, to see my cousin. She's like a little sister to me, and we haven't seen in months. <3 For the first time in years, now that I've a tablet, I'm planning to travel without my laptop. xD This thing's so heavy.... eheheh.
Anyway. Thought I'd vent about this in here, hopefully for what is the last time.
Hope you're all doing awesome and that you all have a good week ahead. <3
PS. It's not that our relationship was entirely horrible. We just... started drifting apart, and both of us made mistakes and hurt each other on levels that could not be forgiven. I'm not attempting to paint him as a monster or anything, I wasn't a saint either in the relationship. We both acted like children at times while demanding the other to be the adult and the responsible one; we both hurt each other with words, and (lack of) actions. I know my own share in our downfall, and I'll forever regret hurting him - but I can only learn from this, and strive to never inject such poison into my friendships or a possible new relationship.